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D.C. NOTES: WTO and Bill’s bad hair day

Forgive Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates for feeling a bit paranoid these days, what with the feds being on his case about trying to snuff out competition so he can monopolize the digital planet-including the evolving wireless one. Can you imagine?

Just last week-Tuesday to be exact-Bill thought he heard loud, angry protests just beyond company headquarters in Redmond, Wash. But he could not be sure. Then Bill got to thinking: “Could that damn Joel Klein from Justice and that judge-who-doesn’t-like-me be leading an angry mob of state attorneys general, Microsoft competitors and disgruntled Windows users up this way? Is this how it all ends?”

No, Bill, no. Relax, close the fatal error message and reboot. All that noise? Why, it was only labor, human rights and environmental activists a few miles south in Seattle, Bill. They despise the World Trade Organization, believing it to be the embodiment of a new global order in which cross-border commerce-increasingly made possible by your digital products-rules.

And that smell? Starbucks coffee, perchance? Not exactly, Bill. That was the tear gas police fired on protesters as the 135-member WTO tried to get a new round of trade talks off the ground. Kinda reminds ya’ of ’68 at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago. Your hair was longer then, Bill. Remember?

Times have changed, Bill. The new big thing in Chicago is the opening round of negotiations on settling the landmark antitrust lawsuit against you. What a bummer, huh?

“We’re basically putting a human face on the WTO. It has to consider human rights and worker rights along with trade,” said Teamsters Union President James Hoffa, speaking from a football stadium near the Seattle Space Needle. Hmm, isn’t Hoffa’s father buried under the Meadowlands-football home to the New York Giants-in Jersey?

You know, Bill, I bet you’re feeling jealous of your billionaire buddy in Kirkland, Wash., about now. How is it the Justice Department can be all over Microsoft, but then cut a sweet deal with Craig McCaw’s Nextel Communications Inc.? That’s precisely the point, Bill. You see, compared with Microsoft, Nextel is chopped liver as far as antitrust cases go. Klein wanted you for himself, Bill. He put underlings on the Nextel case.

You see, Bill, you-like the WTO-just happen to be caught up in the Clinton legacy. History now will record that the breakup of Microsoft and entry of China into the WTO happened on the president’s watch. Are you feeling used, Bill? You should. It gets worse, Bill. Folks will forget all about your philanthropic surge during the Microsoft trial.

But don’t let it get you down. You’re still the richest guy alive. And if it makes you feel any better, as far as history goes, I suspect Generation Xers will remember Monica long after they’ve forgotten about Microsoft.

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