Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So my friends over at Strategy Analytics found that the Bluetooth headset market grew 153 percent last year. That’s a lot, I’m pretty sure. Motorola led the market with a 28.2-percent share. I’m sure it’s because of the Motorola Razrwire.
(I’m actually being sarcastic here. The Razrwire is the weirdest product ever. If you think attaching a wireless headset to a pair of sunglasses is cool, then you are not. It’s almost as bad as combining a wireless headset and a snowboarding jacket.)
Now, back to the growing Bluetooth headset market: Strategy Analytics says that the Bluetooth headset market is going to increase another 70 percent this year. This is bad news for the human race.
If the Bluetooth headset market is expanding, that means there will be more people walking around with Bluetooth headsets. And if there’s more people out there wearing Bluetooth headsets, then the people who don’t yet own one might then be inspired to go out and buy one so they too can look like an idiot. This situation will create what I like to call a “vicious cycle of rage in Mike Dano.”
You see, let me explain something to you all with the Bluetooth headsets: YOU LOOK LIKE IDIOTS. Yes, you do look like you’re talking to yourself. No, it’s not cool just because it’s the latest in new technology. Yes, if Chuck Norris were around, he would roundhouse kick you to the face.
Even worse than talking on a Bluetooth headset are those people who just wear them around town, like it’s normal. Yeah, real normal. You’ve probably seen these people at the mall or the grocery store—nonchalantly walking around with a giant silver Dork Flag attached to their ear.
Is it too much trouble to just pick up your phone?!?!!? Are you really that important!?!?!? Should I really want to kill you this much??!!?!?
My solution to this problem, which tears at the very fabric of our nation? I pretend they’re talking to me. As they amble on by, discussing the latest news about Windows Vista, I react as any normal member of society would:
Headset Idiot: Yeah, did you hear about the integrated search function?
Me: Yes I would like some creamed corn!
Headset Idiot: I know, I know, I wish it didn’t get delayed.
Me: No I don’t want to drive the space shuttle!
Headset Idiot: Did you hear how much RAM it’s going to need?
Me: My pockets hurt!
I hope that this nonviolent approach to the Bluetooth headset problem catches on. I’m sure Dr. King and Mr. Gandhi would be proud.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. Wanna check out other Worst of the Week entries? Click here for past columns. And now, some extras:
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President Bush has apparently learned about cell phones and is now directing the Department of Homeland Security to add cell phones to the nation’s emergency alert service. I’m glad the president is getting around to this FIVE YEARS after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. I feel so safe.
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Bandai America is bringing the Tamagotchi virtual-pet game to U.S. cell-phone users. Remember the Tamagotchi craze from the 1990s? Yeah, me neither.
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Sprint Nextel is pretty excited about the Fusic. They had a “Fusic Launch Party” this week with celebrities including Janet Jackson, Dem Franchize Boyz, DJ AM, Jamie Foxx, Missy Elliot, Shaquille O’Neal and Jermaine Dupri. They even sent me a picture of Jessica Alba, who apparently confused the Fusic (from Sprint Nextel) with the V (from Verizon Wireless). An easy mistake. … Are these “launch parties” necessary? I think it’s just an excuse for the PR folks to party with celebrities. But really, I’m just bitter because I wasn’t invited.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.
