Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So everybody and their mothers are now registered to bid in the upcoming FCC spectrum auction, scheduled for Aug. 9. All the normal guys are there—Cingular, Verizon, Sprint Nextel and T-Mobile USA—as are some more interesting players: Direct TV and EchoStar, Leap, NextWave and Mario Gabelli’s company.
I, for one, cannot wait for this event. All the pieces are coming together to make this auction the best train wreck in town.
And, thankfully, the FCC is also working overtime to create that extra bit of blessed chaos. They’ve decided this auction will be conducted in the dark, so no one will know who they’re bidding against (it’s like one of those frat parties you read about… sort of). This stands as a slight drawback to those of us in the media (to compensate for the FCC’s blind-bidding decision, I think I’m just going to randomly make up the winners and losers for each round and call it good) but I think there’s still plenty of opportunity for a public catastrophe.
Even better, the FCC seems to have decided that the blind-bidding thing wouldn’t create enough problems—so they also changed some of the “designated entity” bidding rules just a few weeks before auction applications were due. Enter the lawsuits.
And who says government moves too slow?
So now we’ve got all sorts of odd players—including several who are already pros at causing bedlam—getting ready to bid for the 1,122 licenses up for sale, and we also have a rogue, GOP-controlled FCC changing rules, setting strange and unnecessary guidelines and generally stumbling around. The stage is set. Everything is in its place. Perfect.
Am I the only one hoping for a truly catastrophic auction? Am I the only one salivating at the potential for another NextWave saga? I’m counting the days off until the auction starts and all hell breaks loose.
Here’s a few of the stories I’m going to randomly make up as the auction goes along:
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NextWave pre-emptively sues the FCC because, hey, this auction was bound to end up in lawsuits anyway.
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Cingular and Verizon Wireless manage to get T-Mobile USA to bid $1 kajillion dollars on spectrum licenses because T-Mobile USA is terrified of being the only nationwide wireless operator without a 3G network. (EDGE is so … last year.)
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Leap bids $1 kajillion on spectrum licenses then promptly files for bankruptcy. The company emerges three months later with no debt and nationwide spectrum.
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With the backing of Liberty Media Group, EchoStar and Direct TV buy most of the spectrum. Then they realize that everyone already has cable TV. D’oh!
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Craig McCaw realizes that Clearwire didn’t file an application to participate in the auction. He then fires whoever made that dumb mistake. Then he gives me a million dollars. (Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?)
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The FCC realizes it hasn’t screwed up this auction enough yet so, at the last minute, they decide to award licenses in the old “beauty pageant” style. Sprint Nextel wins, hands down, because that Gary Forsee is one handsome man.
Let’s hope at least one of these ridiculous and totally impossible events actually takes place. That way I’ll be able to pay attention to what’s going on with the auction without having to lick batteries to stay awake.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. Wanna check out other Worst of the Week entries? Click here for past columns. And now, some extras:
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Helio has its own TV commercials out now with the catch line “Don’t call it a phone.” You know, if it weren’t for all these MVNOs out there, we here at RCR would have nothing interesting to write about. Let’s hear it for MVNOs!
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DoCoMo and Aquafairy are working on micro fuel cells for handsets. Out of all the strange and funny company names in wireless, “Aquafairy” has to be one of the best.
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Verizon Wireless has the exclusive on LG’s “Chocolate” phone. The Chocolate is the latest in a growing number of silly names for cell phones (Razr, Fusic and Strobe are just a few). Thankfully, Chocolate opens up the door for food-based cell phone names. Personally, I could definitely go for a phone named “Meatloaf” or something. Or “Tripe.” Or maybe “Beef Stroganoff.”
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Did you see that Sprint’s trench-coat guy has his own page on MySpace.com? Am I the only one who just doesn’t get this whole MySpace.com thing?
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And finally, astute reader David proved his worth as a human being by winning the contest from last week to define wireless industry acronyms. Marvel at his entry here. Congratulations David!
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.
