Worst of the Week: Push-To-Silence-PTT

Hello!

And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!

And without further ado:

So Pantech and Kodiak (not Kodak, mind you) announced a deal whereby Pantech will use Kodiak’s push-to-talk platform in its handsets. The companies said the deal will allow them to offer “real-time availability, instant voice messaging and group text messaging.”

Well that’s just great. Let’s all thank Kodiak (like the island in Alaska) for this wonderful news. It’s just what the wireless industry needs: more walkie-talkie cell phones.

Before I get into things, let me just point out that you don’t need a PTT phone for “real-time availability, instant voice messaging and group text messaging.” In fact, and you can already do “group text messaging” using SMS; “instant voice messaging” just means that it’s, like, a conversation; and I believe “real-time availability” just means that you’re awake and physically able to answer a cell phone.

See, that’s the thing about walkie-talkie cell phones: THEY ARE UNNECCESSARY. And, more importantly, annoying.

I’m going to imagine a scene for you, one that I’m sure you all have experienced at least once before:

You’re standing in line at the airport or somewhere, and that dude in front of you has his trusty cell phone clipped to his hip (like he’s packing heat or something). The phone starts beeping and he whips it out like the Lone Ranger.

BEEP BEEP “Yes?” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Where are you?” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “At the airport.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Where are you going?” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Albuquerque” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “That’s cool.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Yeah.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “You ever been there before?” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “No.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Oh.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Yeah.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “OK, well I just wanted to say hi.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Hi. Well, guess I’ll talk to you later.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “OK, bye.” BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP “Bye.” BEEP BEEP

Did you get angry reading this? I got angry writing it.

And that’s the point. No one wants to hear both sides of your stupid conversation—but that’s exactly what happens when you talk on a walkie-talkie phone.

In fact, I can only see one useful application for PTT. Imagine: You have a walkie-talkie phone and so does your boss. And, thanks to the beauty of PTT technology, you can see that he or she is “real-time available,” ready for “instant voice messaging” and can do “group text messaging.” Kinky!

Anyway, you get on your PTT phone at an opportune (meaning, inappropriate) moment and begin screaming “instant voice messages” such as:

“The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers!“

Or,

“I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!“

And, if you’re very, very lucky, your boss will be at the grocery store or the bank or—if you’re super fortunate—at church when those messages go off.

But at least the whole PTT thing isn’t as bad as it could be. Remember when Siemens promised that all of its mid-range phones would feature PTT technology by 2005? Or when Nokia promised basically the same thing? Judging from the relative scarcity of walkie-talkie phones, I’d say things worked out for the best.

But really, I think there’s a killing (pun intended) to be made with push-to-silence-PTT (PTSPTT) phones. A PTSPTT phone wouldn’t really be phone, exactly, but more of a baseball bat full of nails. Any VC firms out there want to fund my new idea?

OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. Wanna check out other Worst of the Week entries? Click here for past columns. And now, some extras:

• The Seniors Coalition is asking the government to kill the USF fund and instead use that money to just buy people cell phones. I think this is a great idea. By the same rationale, why don’t we just use the tax money we would have spent on highways and freeways and just buy everyone a Hummer? (Update : Astute reader Scott writes in to tell me I’m an idiot. “TSC called for reining in USF waste and abuse and targeting aid to those who need it. The point about “giving away” cell phones and satellite service instead of USF is that the abuse of the Fund is so widespread that it would be cheaper to do that. But no one was urging that – it was simply to underscore the epic scale of the waste.” So there you go. I think the lesson here is to never, ever believe what I say.)

• Cellact is offering SMS alerts of incoming missiles in Israel just days after the Lebanon conflict started—but here in the U.S. we can’t get our Cold War-era emergency alert system to include cell phones. Nothing like a war to get things in gear.

• More hilarious cell phones names: Krzr, Rizr and—my favorite—Oystr. Won’t someone out there please please please make a flip phone and call it the Flipper???

• Google now offers traffic information on its Google Maps application for cell phones. However, Google Maps still hasn’t integrated GPS location information from GPS-capable cell phones. Traffic info is great and all but I, like most men, only use a map for one thing: to find out where I am when I’m lost.

• Rumors continue over an iPod phone from Apple (possibly built by RIM). So, look, let me just lay it out for all you idiot iPod fanatics out there: ALL IT DOES IS PLAY MUSIC. It does not cure cancer. It does not cook dinner. In fact, it’s not even all that cheap. And if Apple makes an iPod phone, it’s just going to be the same thing as the iPod: Overblown.

I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.