Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So Alaska Communications Systems is offering its digital subscriber line customers a free wireless PC card when they sign up for a mobile data plan that costs $30 a month. The unlimited wireless data plan offers EV-DO coverage in populated areas of the state and 1x speeds within the rest of ACS’ CDMA footprint, which includes south-central and southeastern Alaska as well as the state’s North Slope.
ACS’ offering is a momentous event in human history, for sure. But before I get into the details, am I the only one surprised that there are actually telecommunications services in Alaska? I mean, aren’t they all still fighting with wolverines and living in caves up there?
Anyway, ACS’ offering is actually part of a larger trend that I’m going to call “bundling.” When you buy “bundles” you get two or more services from the same company. “Bundling” is the wave of the future. PS: I just made up the word “bundling” and if you ever use it I’m going to sue you for trademark infringement and sexual harassment.
So, for example, here in Denver I can buy an Internet connection, a cell phone, a landline phone and satellite TV service from Qwest. (The fun part is that I can also start a “chat” session with a Qwest sales associate just by clicking on the “bundling” button on the Qwest Web site. Finally, someone who will acknowledge my existence!)
“Bundling” is super fun.
Cingular, Sprint Nextel and Verizon are all keen on “bundling.” It’s the wave of the future, after all. Verizon, for example, is offering me local and long-distance wireline calling, wireless calling, high-speed Internet… and maybe some other stuff too. I’m too lazy to figure it all out. I sort of wish they would stop working for me, at least for a little while.
But the top-tier guys aren’t the only ones “bundling” for my amusement. Embarq, Qwest, Comcast, Time Warner—they’re all combining various services and offerings into spectacular, super-uper-duper mega deals that will save me hundreds of thousands of dollars every year. Or something like that.
And don’t forget, carriers aren’t the only ones “bundling” for the good of mankind. Cell-phone makers are “bundling” cell phones with: cameras, MP3 players, FM radios, GPS receivers, finger-print scanners, Internet browsers, sporks, mad-cow disease, Cheetos and other stuff. Even Whirlpool is bundling washing machines with cell phones. Isn’t it amazing how technology can be both advanced and retarded at the same time?
I’m very excited about “bundling,” but I don’t think it should stop at the “quadruple-play” of voice, video, high-speed Internet and wireless services. (The same goes for “quadruple-play”—if you use that word, I will sue your pants and socks and shoes off. I will also sue your mother.) “Bundling” should include all of the services that I, as a responsible and concerned citizen, require. For example, “bundling” should also include things like Yahoo, TiVo, iTunes and other funny words like that. It should also include milk delivery because I am constantly running out of milk. MMMM milk.
Buy why stop at communications, entertainment and lactation services? Why can’t Verizon offer me life insurance too? I would like my dentist bill and my TV bill to arrive at my house in the same envelope. I want to combine my cell phone service with the services of my masseuse.
I want to pull up to a McDonald’s and order a McNasty McCheeseburger With McFries and a McCell Phone. I want to order funeral caskets and wireline phone service from the same sales associate. I want to combine the activities of talking, driving, cooking, listening to music, taking a picture, receiving a fax, writing a book and plotting my revenge against Dan Meyer using a single, “converged” device.
This “converged” device should also help me hunt wolverines in Alaska with “a freakin’ 12-gauge, what do you think?“
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. Wanna check out other Worst of the Week entries? Click here for past columns. And now, some extras:
-
I got a bunch of e-mails about the column last week, “Worst of the Week: Push-To-Silence-PTT.” The consensus was that I’m an idiot because PTT phones don’t necessarily have to be used in speakerphone mode. Leon Frazier, vice president of public sector operations for Sprint Nextel Corp., summed up the point nicely: “All Nextel walkie-talkie phones have a dedicated speaker-to-earpiece button that allows the user to switch their conversations to a privacy mode to minimize disruptions and to increase privacy during conversations.” Mr. Frazier also pointed out that cops and firefighters and stuff use walkie-talkie phones so they must be good. Click here to read his full letter. So please let me clarify: I don’t hate PTT phones specifically, I just hate those people who use them in speaker mode… Actually, I do hate PTT phones too, but only the ugly ones.
-
Satellite phone vendor All Road Communications issued a very helpful press release this week entitled, “Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Satellite Phones.” No. 4 is my favorite: “Satellite phones are not that expensive. You can buy a Globalstar satellite phone for as little as $749 … less than some cell high end cell phones.” That’s right! Only $750! That’s so cheap I might just buy two—you know, just in case. Of wolverines.
-
Handygames is using ads to offer free mobile games. El Cheapo Bandito likey.
-
Alltel is selling a phone that looks like a race car and has a freaky “Fastap” keypad. This phone must be aimed at the lucrative NASCAR-fans-who-like-strange-phones-and-send-a-lot-of-text-messages niche. If anyone out there knows someone who actually paid real money for this phone, you get a prize.
-
Verizon Wireless is teaming with Cisco, Lucent, Motorola, Nortel and Qualcomm to develop A-IMS network architecture. Sigh. I’m sure this is important, but I don’t know why. Am I the only one who simply can’t figure out what IMS is?
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.
