Worst of the Week: iPhoning sweaty nerds

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So Apple appears to be gearing up to release an “iPhone.” It’ll be like the iPod, only a phone. Judging from the level of interest about this product, it will be the single greatest technological invention since the toaster oven.
Speaking of which, have you ever used a toaster oven? They really are great. It’s like a mini-oven you can heat sandwiches in. Tremendous.
Anyway, those brainy analysts over at investment-banking firm UBS are predicting that Apple will launch its iPhone by April, and it will include 4 to 8 gigabytes of memory, a two-megapixel camera, and a special Apple operating system.
“With the company unlikely to subsidize handsets . the company’s high-priced handset will likely appeal to higher-end subscribers,” wrote UBS’ Maynard Um in a research note.
This means that the iPhone will be stupid expensive and that only those jerks who drive BMWs and stuff like that will be able to afford it. And they’ll probably only use it to call their butler to tell him to heat up their lobster dinner because their flight from the Bahamas is running late. Stupid rich jerks.
Anyway, UBS also predicts that Apple will launch an MVNO service to sell its iPhone. I suspect that, if the iPhone is for stupid rich jerks, the Apple MVNO will also be priced to appeal to “higher-end subscribers.”
I’m hoping that the Apple MVNO will give iPod-style names to all of its services. For example, its subscribers will send iTexts and make iCalls and watch mobile iTV and pay exorbitant iOverages and iEarly iTermination iFees. And instead of covering potential “pops,” the Apple MVNO will cover potential “pods.”
And Apple’s iWireless subscribers will use iGPS to find the closest Starbucks where they can order their vente mocha latte frappe crappie chino. With skim milk, please.
What’s the point of all this rambling, you ask? Well, first, if you don’t own a toaster oven, do yourself a favor and go buy one right now. And second, don’t buy into the iHype. As far as I can tell, Apple makes computers and music players, and that’s about it. Yet somehow the company has achieved this weird techno-cult status where sweaty nerds follow its every move and try to guess what Steve Jobs eats for breakfast. Is it Krusty-O’s or Krusty-Brand Cereal? Or maybe he just has a Squishee and calls it good.
Who cares? While people arm-wrestle each other over the Nano, Motorola, Nokia, Samsung and the rest of the world’s handset makers are completely revolutionizing the world of electronics. Did you know that you can get a 1-gigabyte microSD card on eBay for $40? And did you know that you can stick that card into just about any mid-range cell phone sold today and listen to hours and hours of music? It’s like an iPod, but without the hype (and probably half the price).
Maybe I’m being too harsh, or maybe I’m just bitter that I’m not a “higher-end subscriber.” Maybe I’m upset because I don’t own a Shuffle. Or perhaps I just naturally hate rich people. I don’t know. But every time I see Captain Jerko clutching his $300 iPod while running a 16-minute mile, I take solace in the fact that he’s probably got 6,000 gigabytes of Mariah Carey songs in that thing. Whata loser.
PS: Dan Meyer has an iPod.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–We get a lot of press releases sent to us, and not all of them are for the wireless industry. For example, a recent press release titled “custom printed SWEAT SHIRTS” arrived on our fax machine this week. I read this missive very carefully, and it seems I can add any logo I please to a sweatshirt. Although I couldn’t find anything wireless-related on this press release, I’m still very excited.
–Handset maker LG and fashion company Prada are teaming to develop an “innovative and iconic mobile phone.” I’m assuming this phone will look like a fashionable shoe or handbag or something? I consider this further evidence that the whole fashion industry is just a big scam to get you to pay $100 for a shirt (or, as my wife calls it, a “top”). Thankfully, I’m not a slave to fashion. And I look it.
–Sprint Nextel put out a press release about all the accessories it sells, an announcement that is part of the carrier’s “Twelve days of power shopping” campaign. Specifically, Sprint Nextel sells the “universal bright pink glitter pouch” for $25. Anyone out there looking for a holiday gift for Dan Meyer need look no further.
–Verizon Wireless announced that it turned on its EV-DO network in Gallup and Farmington, N.M. The carrier’s press release about this event is titled “Broadband Wireless Network Speeds into Gallup and Farmington, New Mexico.” Take it from me, nothing “speeds” anywhere in Gallup and Farmington.
–Motorola announced that its iRadio service won the Best Radio Service at the DEMMX awards, which was hosted by Billboard Magazine. This is the second year in a row that Motorola won the award for its iRadio service. Motorola’s press release about this momentous occasion goes on to describe iRadio as “the ultimate in music discovery and entertainment.” Sounds great, doesn’t it? Hey Moto: If iRadio is so great, why don’t you actually start selling it already? Geez.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.