Worst of the Week: AT&T, BellSouth and Domestic Partnerships

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So the FCC quietly and sneakily approved AT&T’s acquisition of BellSouth. (The companies are calling it a “merger,” but I find it hard to believe that it’s a merger when the combined company is going to be called AT&T, and that it’s going to be headed by AT&T’s CEO Ed Whitacre. But hey: merger, acquisition, marriage, domestic partnership-whatever you want to call it is fine with me.)
Anyway, AT&T and BellSouth are the parent companies of Cingular, the nation’s largest cellphone provider. So, as I understand it, this is important because now Cingular will have one parent company instead of two. I guess it would be like Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala getting married and raising Luke and Leia like normal kids (rather than splitting them up and thereby laying the seeds for the greatest space epic of all time). I believe this Cingular-Star Wars metaphor is apt. Apt, I tell you, apt!
Anyway, the merger/acquisition/domestic partnership of AT&T and BellSouth is very, very important. Mainly it’s important because Cingular, which has spent billions and billions of dollars on advertising the name “Cingular,” is going to be renamed AT&T. Just like that.
So pat yourselves on the back, all you genius marketing and advertising people-all the long hours you spent promoting the Cingular brand were a total and complete waste. Great job though.
Personally, I’m going to miss the Cingular brand. I like the name Cingular, and I like the slogan “more bars in more places.” I like that slogan because it’s about bars, and I like bars because I like drinking.
Interestingly, there’s a type of asthma medication called “Singulair.” My favorite TV event was when an ad for Singulair came on right after an ad for Cingular. I figure they should just combine those two advertising campaigns because it would make things much simpler: “Cingular/Singulair, a once-a-day medication for the treatment of asthma that will help you get drunk at more bars in more places.”
But that’s all beside the point. The point is that the combined AT&T-BellSouth is good for me, the consumer. Just check out AT&T’s Internet site to see why: “Product and service transition will be a phased process but nothing will change for Cingular customers.” So there you have it: The merger/acquisition/domestic partnership is great, but nothing will change. Hallelujah.
This sounds very similar to what Cingular said when it acquired/merged with/conjugally visited AT&T Wireless. As a former AT&T Wireless subscriber who then became a Cingular subscriber, I can attest that very little changed after the acquisition. There were no more promotional offerings for me, and I didn’t get any more new data services. I also couldn’t take advantage of Cingular’s “Rollover” minutes without buying a new phone. I did, however, get “more bars in more places.”
And more bars in more places are great. Because alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Have you seen Alltel’s new “head to head” advertising campaign? It’s pretty entertaining. Here’s what the Sprint guy says on Alltel’s site: “Our network is so powerful that some say it could protect you from falling comets. We might still drop your call, but we got your back with the space rockets.” Hilarious. Alltel should really be writing this column. But I wonder if this will affect Alltel’s roaming agreement with Sprint Nextel?
–Sprint Nextel recently put its advertising account up for review, which means that it’s not too happy with how things are going. If I were Sprint Nextel, I would make ads that show Verizon Wireless’ “Can you hear me now” guy getting drawn and quartered. But I guess that’s why I’m not in the advertising business.
–A few weeks ago I wrote a column about Apple’s rumored iPhone. I got several letters telling me that I’m an idiot, and that if Apple makes a cellphone it will be great. Ajit Singh summed it up nicely: “I did not like your article. I am sure if Apple brings out a toaster oven, it would put all other toaster ovens to shame.”
–Cingular announced it will offer video clips from Saturday Night Live over its phones. You know the mobile TV market has arrived when you can watch Will Ferrell’s “cowbell” sketch on a cellphone. “I’ve got a fever, and the only cure is more cowbell!”
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.