Worst of the Week: Are People Really That Stupid???

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I have a friend who has a Ph.D. in physics. He studies solar radiation . or solar energy. It’s solar something. Anyway, he’s a smart guy. He makes everyone call him “doctor,” because he is one. He’s got a Ph.D., after all.
A few weeks ago, my doctor friend asked me if his phone had Bluetooth on it. Knowing I worked in the wireless industry, he handed his phone to me as if I were a one-eyed medieval oracle who could predict the future using the bones of a manatee. A quick tour through the phone’s menu did not reveal any references to Bluetooth, so I handed the phone back to him and stated, authoritatively, “sorry, no Bluetooth.”
Is my doctor friend stupid? I kinda don’t think so. He’s got a Ph.D. in physics, which means he was in school for about twice as many years as me. He’s so smart, he can do math problems in his head; he doesn’t need a calculator or anything. Freakin’ A.
I have another friend who works with a geology consulting company. She has a master’s degree, and does something that has to do with graphics or land modeling or water. or something. Anyway, the point is she’s smart too.
Now this friend of mine, she can’t figure out how to change the ringtone on her phone. She’s the proud owner of a fancy new 3G flip phone. This phone can do music, it can do superfast data, it can do mobile TV-it’s a top-of-the-line phone. But my friend (who has a master’s degree) can’t change the ringtone on this phone.
Is my geology friend stupid? I kinda don’t think so; she’s a professional geologist and probably makes twice as much money as me (which means she’s above the poverty line).
Now, both of these brainy friends of mine are in their 20s, they work on computers and know how to use Google. They drive Subarus and drink wine. They are smart. Why can’t they figure out their phones?
The reason is simple: Cellphones are NOT EASY FOR REGULAR PEOPLE TO USE. Cellphones are unnecessarily complicated. They are not simple. It’s sad but true.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at your phone. Is there a button on it that says “silence this phone?” No? How about “change my ringtone?” No? Now how about this: Try to find a button on your phone that says “off.” Can you find a button that says “off?” How about “on?” No? Well there you go.
My point is that regular people are not like those of us in the wireless industry. They don’t take joy in browsing the “settings” menu on their phone. They don’t look forward to downloading the latest version of their carrier’s preferred roaming list. They don’t want to chat with customer service reps because they’re lonely. (Maybe that last one is just me.)
Most regular people just want to make and receive calls. So why should they have to break out a 150-page user’s manual to change basic settings on their phone?
Of course, cellphones aren’t the only electronic gadget sorely in need of a “regular person” design. Most new microwave ovens have at least 20 different buttons, but the only one I ever use is “start.” And have you ever seen the remote control for a satellite TV? I was on the verge of tears once just trying to change the channel at my parents’ house.
Now, what’s the solution to all this? Normally I’m content to simply dish out criticism unchecked, unedited and unheeded, but in this case I feel compelled to offer an unsolicited, unresearched and probably unhelpful suggestion. So here you go:
Why not just make a “help” button?
It could be one of the two softkeys, and would take the user to a menu with some frequently asked questions, like “How do I turn on my speakerphone?” and “Where is the volume button?” This menu could have little graphics showing users where various buttons are and what they do, and it could include step-by-step directions and links to various locations in the phone’s menu.
Most new phones today have more on-board memory than my first desktop computer, so I think a basic help menu is not too much to ask for.
Of course, there’s a huge problem with this suggestion. A help menu won’t generate revenue, at least not directly. So really, there’s no reason to make one. Plus it’s cool to act smarter than a doctor.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Why do new phones today have the default ringtone set as “salsa” or “clubland” or “rockme” or some other equally terrible jingle that sounds like a Wang Chung knockoff? All you handset folks out there: You are not impressing anyone. Just make it ring. Thank you.
–CBS teamed with mobile content company Artificial Life to make a mobile game based on the TV show “Big Brother.” I simply can’t imagine a more boring premise to a mobile game. Unless of course you’re armed with an M60 and the goal of the game is to gun down all the contestants. That would be cool. But seriously: Mobile games as a promotional tool is fine and all, but perhaps we could use a little discretion. I’m worried the next step in the mobile gaming market is a game promoting mobile games, where you pick and choose what to put on a carrier’s deck. (A side note: There is a mobile game called “Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest.” The rapture is upon us.)
–Nickelodeon recently released the results of a research study it conducted about the new “digital family.” Nickelodeon found out, among other things, that 31 percent of kids no longer feel the need to have a landline phone. My question is: What the heck is Nickelodeon doing funding research studies? Shouldn’t they be concentrating on their core strengths, like dropping goo on people? Or showing “Tom and Jerry” reruns? Seriously, though, the study was conducted by SpongeBob and Patrick, so you know it’s credible.
–There’s news today that some Finnish dude wrote a 332-page book using text-messaging lingo. That’s like 1,000 regular pages. According to an Associated Press article, the book tells the story of a fictitious executive in Finland who resigns from his job and travels throughout Europe and India, keeping in touch with people using text messages. Wow, huh? And you thought this column was hard to read. Wait until I start writing in text lingo, itl B orsum. (Translation: It will be awesome.)
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.