Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News the chance to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I’ve been playing the lottery a lot lately; winning the lottery factors prominently into my retirement plans. I’ve also been thinking about what I would do with the money if I did in fact win the lottery (which will never happen. But anyway).
Actually, what I’ve really been thinking about is what I would do if I won, like, all of the lotteries across the world over the next 10 years or so. If I were to win all of those lotteries, I figure I would be just about as rich as Bill Gates (I’m just guessing here, it might take 15 years of winning lotteries to make that much money).
According to Forbes magazine, Bill Gates has $13.4 kazillion, and makes more money in one nanosecond than I and my children and my children’s children will ever make over the course of our entire lives, combined. Bill Gates is as rich as Montgomery Burns, although not at old (at least, I don’t think he’s that old).
So what would I do if I was as rich as Bill Gates?
After collecting every single comic book ever made and then buying my mom a house, I would turn my attention to fixing the wireless industry (I wouldn’t actually do that, but bare with me here, I gotta write about something). There’s a fair amount of stuff that I think needs fixing in the wireless industry, so here’s a list of things I would do if I had as much money as Mr. Gates.
1: I would buy Microsoft from Mr. Gates and spend $10 gazillion of my $13.4 kazillion dollars fixing Windows, and other Microsoft products like Word and Excel. I mean, seriously, I can barely figure out how to run my computer. But maybe that’s just me.
I would also change the name of the Windows Mobile operating system to “Mike Dano” so that every time someone wanted to talk about it, they would have to call it the “MD OS.” Wouldn’t that be cool?
2: I would buy Congress and pass a law making it illegal to use the word “solution” in any press release. The fine for using the word “solution” would be $13.4 kazillion, payable to me.
The reason I don’t like the word “solution” is because it does not explain anything. If a company says that it sells “solutions,” that’s about as vague as vague can get. You might as well say that you sell “products” or “services” because that’s how nondescript the word “solutions” is.
So, rather than saying you sell WiMAX “solutions,” for example, just say that you sell WiMAX chips or base stations or software or handsets or something. Use any other word than “solutions,” please.
And that’s my solution to that problem.
3: I would buy all of the nation’s wireless carriers and make sure they all introduce a service that would alert wireless subscribers when they are near their limit for anytime minutes. I think a few carriers offer this service now-but seriously, this should be a standard feature on all cellphones.
Every month now, as I near the end of my billing cycle, I have to constantly check my minute allotment so I don’t go over my bucket of minutes. The reason, of course, is because I get billed like $3 a minute or something for any usage that goes over my allotment. Even if I were as rich as Bill Gates that would still annoy me.
And it doesn’t have to be fancy or anything, just a text message that says “u r nearing ur limit, quit yapping now already! PS u r an idiot” or something.
4: I would make gay marriage legal.
5: I would buy all the handset makers and require them all to install Opera Mini on their phones. That this application is not a standard feature on today’s cellphones is also a tragedy.
Just think, you could be using Opera Mini to read this column! How exciting is that? Answer: It is pretty exciting.
6: I would buy Cingular Wireless and fire Stan Sigman. I don’t trust that guy. Shifty eyes. Know what I mean?
7: I would buy the presidency and then spend maybe $1 gazillion of my money to just build a nationwide, interoperable wireless public-safety network, already. I mean, geez, how hard is that to do? Public-safety agencies already have a bunch of spectrum, from what I understand, but they’re still using 1960s-era walkie-talkies and non-interoperable systems.
Why doesn’t President George “the Google” Bush just make a Secretary of IT position in his cabinet staffed by some nerdy computer whiz who could just figure out that mess and get everyone on the same communications system? Perhaps that’s too big a decision for The Decider.
8: And finally, I would buy a team of 1,000 lawyers whose only job would be to sue you for reading this column. Sucker.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Caribbean carrier Digicel announced it launched mobile TV services in Jamaica . running over the carrier’s GPRS network. I know they’re pretty laid back in Jamaica, but I doubt mobile TV over GPRS is going to fly. Have you ever tried to watch a video service over a 2.5G connection? It’s like watching a slideshow with an audio commentary. Very annoying.
–From the “How Pathetic Is That?” file: I just put my bank’s number on speed dial. Since I’m so poor, I’m constantly checking to see how much is in my bank account, and it’s just easier to put that number on speed dial. I have officially turned into my father. Sigh.
–Juniper Research recently put out a press release about a study it did on the mobile entertainment market. The study was interesting and all, but the title of the press release threw me off because of the exclamation point at the end: “Mobile Entertainment Market Has Potential To Reach $76 Billion By 2011, But Question Marks Remain!” I think RCR is going to start employing this same technique: “Sony Ericsson unveils India gambit!” “Cingular dials up 15-cents-per-minute PTT!” or “Dell’Oro: W-CDMA set to stomp into CDMA market!” for example.
–Visa said it launched a free cellphone game that will “help teens learn how to manage money wisely.” It’s called “Financial Football,” which is a surprising apt description of my own financial situation. Anyway, I’m sure there are literally a few teens in the world who would be interested in this game. And did I mention it’s free? Visa said that “unlike many other cellphone games, which can cost up to $20, Visa is not charging a fee to download ‘Financial Football.'” If anyone out there knows of a $20 cellphone game, you get a prize. But really, I’m glad Visa is willing to teach my son about his financial responsibilities while at the same time helping banks bombard my mailbox with credit card offers of 0% APR* (The * means it’s not 0%.)
–Verizon announced it is bundling wireless with DSL, landline calling and other services in a series of new plans. The names for the new plans are “Double Freedom,” “Triple Freedom” and “Ultimate Freedom.” Wasn’t the Iraq War called “Operation Ultimate Freedom?” Or maybe “Ultimate Freedom” is a new kind of Winnebago? Either way I bet Verizon’s new “Ultimate Freedom” plan is not actually free.
–Startup MyxerT announced a new service that will allow desktop computer users to quickly and easily send images to mobile phones. I’m planning to use this service to inundate Dan Meyer’s cellphone with lurid and inappropriate Internet pictures.
–A company called BoxWave is selling a new cellphone accessory called a “screen puff.” According to the company, this $3 item “is made of non-abrasive and lint-free material that can clean your screen easily and quickly.” You read that right, it’s a tiny towel to wipe all your face grease off your phone. I’m going to buy five of these wonderful little items because. wait for it. I have a lot of FACE GREASE.
–Best company name so far? Spoornet. It’s not a wireless company at all (a South African railway company, actually) but hey, Spoornet is a funny name. So there you go.
–And finally, I received a number of interesting letters about last week’s column, “Worst of the Week: Are People Really That Stupid???” Most of those who wrote in agreed with my basic premise, that cellphones are too complicated. Several people disagreed with me though and said I was an idiot. After sobbing uncontrollably, I completely ignored those letters.
Anyway, I’m going to include some of the more thoughtful letters I received on the topic here:
I got news for ya-some of us IN the industry are too stupid to figure out the features on their phone. Hell, the only reason I had kids was so my son would change my ringtone to Beyonce.
To quote my dear friend Will Smith (aka, The Fresh Prince), “Parents just don’t understand.” Cellphones are unnecessarily complicated.
Steve Watkins
Atlanta, GA
Mike,
I totally agree with you regarding the cell phones-they should have a help button to help us out! You’re right on. You may have some handset manufacturers after you for your suggestion, but hey, you’re right.
Oh an by the way, it is interesting that you talk about how even people with much more education can’t figure cell phones out-well, I’ve learned that people who have big degrees like Masters, aren’t actually more intelligent than you or me, they just know how to study hard and be motivated to finish that Masters degree. Someone who knows how to study in college may not be superior in communication skills, for example, as someone who only went to high school.
Ben
Mike,
You wrote and I am in 100% agreement with “Cellphones are NOT EASY FOR REGULAR PEOPLE TO USE. Cellphones are unnecessarily complicated. They are not simple. It’s sad but true.”
I ran into that problem when my elderly mother’s very old analog Audiovox cellphone finally died this past November. Being in the communications business, our techs were able to keep it in service well past the time it should have been given a well-earned funeral. It was big with an easy-to-see large display, had big key pad buttons and could only store 10 numbers and was simple enough for an 87-year-old to operate. I searched for quite a while looking to find a replacement and almost gave up when I was lucky enough to find exactly what she needed in a phone called the Jitterbug.
The model I bought for her has a big display (with large print) with an-easy-to-operate telephone keypad with nice-sized buttons and only four navigating buttons. Up, down and Yes or No! It asks you if you want to call and you push YES or NO. We gave her the new phone on Christmas day and as soon as she got home she called us on it just to make sure she could operate it properly. It is amazing how simple it is to use, you can even have the operator remotely program it, if you want to add preprogrammed phone numbers. I am surprised that it is such a well-kept secret. Here I am in the communications business myself and never had heard of it.
Small world, I eventually learned that the company that provides the phone and service, GreatCall, is run by Arlene Harris and Marty Cooper. Looks like the father of the portable cellular phone knew what was needed 20 years ago and is still right on top of what is needed in our overly high tech world of today.
Tony Sabino
Regional Communications Inc.
Mike,
Your most recent article in regards to “Stupid People” hit home, having previously worked in the Verizon Wireless Retail realm for 11 years, I can clearly remember how joking comments would be tossed around about customers who couldn’t figure out how to change a ringtone, check their voicemail, send a text message or even power their phone off. A lot of us really tend to forget that we are in the stuff everyday and truly can’t compare a person’s intelligence based on their ability to successfully figure out how to change their background on the display.
One of my favorite experiences was a number of years ago when a customer came into the wireless service department I worked in complaining that every time she attempted to answer her phone it would power down. She was quite upset as she just purchased the phone the prior day. After some extensive trouble shooting (I was level 3 OEM certified. passed a 4 question open book test and could successfully turn a screwdriver counter clockwise) I determined her phone was in fact in good working order. When I asked her the golden question, “How are you attempting to answer your phone Mrs. Smith?” She scoffed and haughtily replied, “You must be new here, I hit the “Press While Ringing” key.duh” I then realized that my lack of understanding creative acronyms had gotten the better of me.
Press While Ringing, the pure fact that she was able to take PWR and create a suitable call answering acronym not only earned her my respect but a waiving of her monthly access fee. Needless to say we got the problem fixed with a quick run down on how on this particular model PWR stood for Power versus Press While Ringing.
Bottom line, your article was on the money, I can honestly say the only stupid people in wireless are the industry professionals who assume everyone should know what they know.
Terry Brannock
Learning and Development
Loved your column this week and I agree wholeheartedly with your premise that phones (and most other electronic gadgets) are unnecessarily complex, but a help button? Come on! The only think worse than trying to figure out how to use Microsoft software programs is trying to interface with the irritatingly cheerful but totally useless help icon. The Novell Groupwise e-mail that I am composing this on has a 445 page end user manual that describes the many brilliant features of this entirely un-intuitive program. There’s the real problem. This stuff is designed by engineers seemingly bent on proving how smart they are without any regard for how a ‘normal’ person would pick it up and use it. If they really wanted to improve the utility, they would pick a group of people at random, hand them their gear and watch how they intuitively attempt to use it.
Cheers,
Brian Martin
Globalstar Inc.
What makes you think if there was a help button it would make things better. If there was a help button, people would need a user’s manual on how to use it. We live in an instant society and people do not want to take the time to read the user’s manual, that’s the real problem. I’ve run across people who have gotten upset with me because I sold them a phone and it stop working after 3 days. When I looked at the phone, the problem was it was not charged up since they got the phone.
P.S Common sense is not that common.
Farai Marunda
Mike,
Hilarious column today and a nice wake-up reminder that (as you put it) “those of us in the wireless industry” should keep the end customer in mind more often – especially now that the end customer ranges from age 5 (thanks Disney) to age 95. And personally, I need to be more patient with those people (meaning every single relative, friend and acquaintance of mine) who constantly ask me how to use some feature of their phone. (By the way, LOVED the off button idea.) And, since I’ve worked for two (three… post merger) carriers, I need to stop groaning every time someone asks me why this carrier or that carrier doesn’t have better coverage at their house. Being a reporter, I guess you can plead objectivity when the dinner party discussion leads to horror wireless customer care stories (yes, these may be nerd parties) but I *hate* those because eyes always turn to me as if I should be doing a better job managing “my people.”
Ahh…it’s alls so funny because it’s all so true. Thanks for the laugh.
Mary Beth Lowell
TeleNav Inc.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com
