Worst of the Week: The Zander CTIA keynote papers

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I managed to get a hold of a draft of Ed Zander’s planned CTIA keynote speech-you know, the keynote he canceled just before firing his CFO and announcing a first-quarter loss. Yeah, that one.
How did I get this draft, you ask? It’s a funny story that involves Chuck Norris, but I don’t have time to go into it here. Suffice to say: I’m a member of the fourth estate, which means I routinely get copies of important documents but still can’t afford to get a proper haircut.
Anyway, the point is that I’ve got a copy of what Zander had planned to talk about during his CTIA keynote. Bear in mind this is just a working draft of his speech, much like this very column. And without further ado:
“Ladies and gentlemen. My fellow wireless executives. Distinguished members of the press. (Wait for laughter to fade.) The state of our industry is strong! And we will prevail in Iraq!
(Wait for laugher to fade.)
I’m just kidding! I like to joke around! Motorola rules! Motorola rules!
(Wait for laugher to fade.)
Anyway, thanks for having me here. After all, Orlando is 1 billion times nicer than Chicago. I mean seriously, that place blows.
So what am I here to talk about? The Razr cellphone, of course. If you don’t know about the Razr, let me tell you: It’s the greatest single product to be invented since the toaster oven. It is the ending and beginning of all things. The Razr is the Alpha and the Omega, and if anyone here disagrees with me I’m happy to have my security guards pummel you into submission.
(Give ‘mad eye’ to Nokia executives in front row.)
You see, the Razr is the reason I was paid $11.9 million just last year. I’m not joking; I actually have that much money. Don’t believe me? Watch me set this $100 bill on fire and not care.
(Light money on fire. Wait for members of press to stop sobbing.)
Look, the point is that the Razr is always going to be the greatest cellphone of all time, and there’s nothing any of you can do about it. That’s why Motorola hasn’t really released all that many new phones since it unveiled the Razr. Why would we? We already made the greatest cellphone of all time, why would we waste our time trying to make something better? It just doesn’t make sense. It does however make lots of cents.
But not lots of scents.
(Let uncomfortable silence pass.)
So why am I here? I’m here to show you our next wickedly cool and compelling phone-the pink Razr!
(Take pink Razr out of pocket. Try to act manly.)
See? It’s not only a Razr, the greatest cellphone of all time, it’s also pink! Can you believe it? Take that Nokia! ‘Multimedia computers’ are so lame compared with a pink Razr! And your square black Finnish eyeglasses are lame too!
(Do one-handed push up.)
Anyway, I could talk about other stuff, like seamless mobility and WiMAX and other boring topics, but I’d rather not. Since I made $11.9 million last year alone, I think I’d just rather go shopping instead. Or maybe pay someone to build a giant gold statue of me. Or maybe play a life-sized game of chess with real people as the pieces. Whatever.
So that’s it from me! Peace out!
(Put on jet pack. Fly out hole in roof.)”
So there you go, the draft of Ed Zander’s planned CTIA keynote. I for one am glad he canceled it, mainly because he was planning to burn money.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–AT&T recently sued NASCAR because NASCAR wouldn’t let the company put the AT&T logo on the No. 31 car, which currently carries Cingular’s “splat” logo. AT&T claims NASCAR is in bed with Sprint Nextel, and the two are trying to thwart AT&T’s rebranding of Cingular (because it’s going so well for Sprint Nextel, I assume). I for one am happy about this whole situation, and am planning my own lawsuit against NASCAR. My lawsuit alleges NASCAR is dumb.
–A company called uclick announced it will offer games, ringtones and wallpapers based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can’t wait to get my “Donatello” wallpaper. I’m going to buy it right after I finish my game of Magic: The Gathering.
–The CDMA Development Group said it launched the CDMA University, which it said “provides the wireless industry with a comprehensive wireless technology curriculum for engineers and business professionals.” As a proud graduate of Bovine University, I’m submitting my application to the CDMA University today. However, I hope they have a liberal arts program for those of us who are not smart enough to do math and who don’t have the sense to learn how.
–Virgin Mobile USA announced it is sponsoring a music festival that will feature the Smashing Pumpkins, the Beastie Boys. and the Police. Now, I know this is important, and many people will be interested in this news, but let me just point out that THE POLICE BLOW. They are seriously the worst band in the world. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact.
–And finally, I would like to offer you all the official RCR CTIA party list. Enjoy! (For more CTIA info, please visit our RCR@CTIA page at www.rcrnews.com/ctia07)
MONDAY, March 26
5 p.m. to 10 p.m. Quality One Wireless party with The Blues Disciples Band. 1500 Tradeport Drive. BY INVITATION ONLY.
5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. Yankee Group Anywhere Tour Global Launch Party. Rosen Centre Hotel, 9840 International Drive, Salon 10, (adjacent to OC convention center) BY INVITATION ONLY.
6 p.m. to 9 p.m. WIC’07 awards presentation and reception, Rosen Centre Hotel.
6:30 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. CTIA Chairman’s Reception BY INVITATION ONLY.
7:00 to 10:00 p.m. MobileFocus. Peabody hotel.
9 p.m. Mozes, together with Universal Republic and Universal Motown, will be hosting a big After-The-Bash party at the Red Coconut Lounge, Universal Studios. BY INVITATION ONLY.
TUESDAY, March 27
11:30 – 1:00, Women’s wireless leadership forum Lunch at CTIA, Sponsored by Crown Castle. Peabody Hotel, Plaza C, across from the convention center. BY INVITATION ONLY.
1:00PM – 2:00PM. Mobile Movie Fest. Mobile Entertainment eXpo Stage
3:00PM – 3:30PM. 5th Annual GWEC Wireless Educators of the Year Award 2007
5:30 – 7:00 p.m. Texas Instruments cocktail press event. Peabody Hotel, Room Plaza C.
6 p.m. to 8 p.m. ShowStoppers. The Rosen Center, a short walk across the street from the convention center.
6:00 – 8:00 pm. Laura Borgstede, Calysto Happy Hour
8p.m. LG Live, with the Foo Fighters. The Groove @ Universal CityWalk. Doors Open at 8:00pm. BY INVITATION ONLY.
8p.m. to 11 p.m. Air2Web CTIA party. The red coconut club, universal citywalk, 6000 universal studios plaza. BY INVITATION ONLY.
9 p.m. Motricity & MTV Mobile Party. Hard Rock Live at Universal Studios CityWalk. 6050 Universal Blvd., Orlando
WEDNESDAY, March 28
7:30 – 10:00 am. IDC @ CTIA. The Power Struggle Debate: Who Will Win? This event includes a full breakfast and private shuttle service to CTIA Wireless 2007. GLO Lounge, 8967 International Drive, 2 blocks north of the convention center.
8 a.m. to 10 a.m. Strategy analytics event. Maggiano’s Little Italy – Pointe Orlando (9101 International Drive)
1 p.m. Deloitte & Touche USA LLP awards. Mobile Entertainment Expo stage.
3:00PM – 4:00PM, CTIA Emerging Technology (E-Tech) Awards Ceremony, Mobile Entertainment eXpo Stage
3:00PM – 6:00PM. NAVTEQ Global Wireless LBS Challenge – Awards Ceremony. Valencia Ballroom
6p.m. to midnight. Cellatel and Alcatel Mobile phones, Hootie and the Blowfish. Hard Rock Live. BY INVITATION ONLY.
6:00PM – 9:00PM. The Wireless Gala. Orange County Convention Center, Hall D2 – Keynote Hall. TICKETS REQUIRED.
7pm – 10pm, FierceWireless Networking Event. Destiny Nightclub in Orlando (Corner of Universal Blvd & Carrier Rd, just north of the Convention Center)
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.