Worst of the Week: Electrode-nodule module transmits amps monkeys

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So Qualcomm and Nokia are still negotiating their expired cross-licensing agreement for wireless patents. The companies signed the agreement in 2001, and it expired Monday. It’s a pretty big deal, I suppose, and it looks like it’s going to go on for a long time.
“While negotiations will continue-and it is not unusual for negotiations to go beyond an expiration date-we will continue operating business as usual,” said Laurie Armstrong, a spokeswoman for Nokia.
“Our largest shareholders, who’ve been with us a long time, plan on remaining behind us in seeing this through,” said Bill Davidson, head of investor relations at Qualcomm.
So there you go. It’s a big deal. After all, it’s an agreement worth billions of dollars. Billions of dollars, I tell you, billions.
I for one am very excited about the cross-licensing of wireless patents. In fact, I’m very excited about wireless patents in general. Here’s a list of my favorite patents:
1, Patent No. 389457890347895, “A process by which the electrode copassitor excites the electro-copassitive wiring inside a telesystem by which an electrode-nodule module transmits amps monkeys.”
2, Patent No. 0893890589008923, “The system by which a cellphone makes a call to a tower and I get to check my bank account balance.”
3, And, of course, patent No. 90890890234890234908243, “The process by which people get rich.”
What’s really exciting is a cross-licensing patent agreement. Although I have never negotiated a multibillion-dollar patent cross-licensing agreement (at least, not yet anyway; I’m sure it’s only a matter of time), I’m betting it’s very much like trading “Magic: The Gathering” cards with your fellow players. For example, compare the following statements for similarities:
“I’ll give you two ‘Scorched Earth Death’ cards for one ‘Omnipotent Ogre’ card.” (Magic: The Gathering.)
“I’ll give you access to my patent No. 389457890347895 and patent No. 0893890589008923 in exchange for access to your patent No. 90890890234890234908243.” (patent cross-licensing negotiations.)
See? It’s the exact same thing.
The problem though is that both Nokia and Qualcomm think their patents are better. So, if the high-powered lawyers from Nokia and Qualcomm are anything like me (and I’m sure they are), the negotiations are going something like this:
“Our patents are better than yours.”
“No, OUR patents are better than YOURS.”
“No way. Have you even seen our patents? You obviously have not, because if you had, you would know that they are totally awesome.”
“What? Are you kidding? Your patents are so lame it’s not even funny. You’re lame too.”
“Now you’re just being mean.”
As you can tell by the above fictional exchange, I know a lot about cross-licensing agreements, be it the wireless patent or Magic: The Gathering variety.
So what’s the point? The point is that I’m going to file patent No. 90890890234890234908243 (The process by which people get rich) with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office so that people have to pay me royalties when they get rich. Suckers.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–According to a variety of media reports, Sprint Nextel’s CEO Gary Forsee made $21.3 million last year. For those of you keeping score, that number includes $1.44 million in salary, $10.1 million in stock awards, and $8.37 million in options awards (don’t ask me why those numbers don’t add up to $21.3 million). Now here’s some fun math: If you take Sprint Nextel’s fourth-quarter ARPU ($60) and put it into CEO money terms, it took almost 30,000 Sprint Nextel customers to pay for Forsee. So essentially, Gary Forsee is worth 30,000 customers. Isn’t math fun?
–Fun with names: Comverse has a new CEO named Andre Dahan. Dahan replaces former CEO Zeev Bregman. And Bregman handled the company after Jacob “Kobi” Alexander, Comverse’s founder and former chairman, fled from the po po to Namibia. No word on whether Rock Strongo, Lance Uppercut or Max Power will be joining Comverse anytime soon. (A side note: The founder of ringtone company MyxerTones is named Myk Willis. I am not making this up.)
–There’s a company called Limbo 41414 (yes, that’s the actual name of the company) that operates a text messaging game called the “Limbo Auction.” Here’s how the company describes the game: “The winner is the person who makes the lowest bid that no other player makes, as opposed to the highest bid.” According to the company, winners have walked away with prizes like a Hummer H3, a Mini Cooper and a plasma TV. Am I missing something? Here’s a tip for all you Limbo Auction players: BID ZERO. Or, if possible, negative infinity.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.