Worst of the Week: Motorollers, VOTE THE ICAHN-DANO TICKET!

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So billionaire Carl Icahn is trying to get a seat on Motorola’s board of directors. If elected, he’ll be joining such luminaries as PepsiCo CEO Indra K. Nooyi, University of Arkansas Chancellor John A. White, and, of course, Corn Products International’s lead director, chairman, president and CEO, Samuel C. Scott III.
(For those few of you who don’t know, Corn Products International is a “leading supplier of starches, sweeteners and other ingredients,” according to the company. It is also “the world’s largest producer of dextrose and a leading regional manufacturer of starches, syrups and glucose.” I think I speak for everyone when I say: Radical!)
I for one am very excited about Carl Icahn’s attempt to get onto the board of directors for Motorola. I’m excited because Carl Icahn is worth $8.5 billion, according to Forbes, which means that he has exactly $8.5 billion more than I do. Rich people are so awesome.
So here’s the story thus far: Moto argues that Carl Icahn doesn’t have the “qualifications and commitment” that is required of a board member. Apparently being stupid rich doesn’t cut it anymore, you have to be a glucose producer too. Or maybe you just have to special suffix to your name-Mike Dano The First, for example. Or perhaps Carl Icahn The Billionaire.
As for Carl Icahn, he’s arguing that he should be on the board of directors for Motorola because “MOTOROLA HAS STUMBLED AND STUMBLED BADLY.” (This is according to Mr. Icahn’s full-page ad in the Wall Street Journal. And yes, he did use all capital letters. You know someone is serious when they use all capital letters.)
One of the latest salvos in this war of words came in the form of a Motorola press release titled, “CARL ICAHN: How can a guy be on eight boards and know what the hell he’s doing?”
Hilarious.
So why am I writing about all this? Well, I think it’s clear that I should also be on Motorola’s board of directors. If Mr. Glucose himself, Samuel C. Scott III, can be on Moto’s board, why can’t I be on it too? After all, I’m the leading provider of whine in the RCR Wireless News offices.
So please consider this my official bid to get onto Motorola’s board. All you Moto stockholders out there reading this column (yes, the three of you), please add “Mike Dano” as your write-in candidate of choice. “Max Power,” “Lance Uppercut” and “Rock Strongo” will work too.
If elected, I promise to uphold family values, protect our precious, precious children, and make fun of Nokia’s Olli-Pekka Kallasvuo every chance I get.
I also promise to sell Moto’s infrastructure business, boost its carrier-customization efforts for handsets, trim its low-end cellphone operations, refresh its handset portfolio in developed markets, and shut down its Bluetooth headset business. That last one is just personal; I hate Bluetooth headsets.
And now, so you’ll take me seriously, I will finish this column with all capital letters: ELECT ME TO MOTOROLA’S BOARD BECAUSE IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Voicemail personalization company BUZ Interactive recently announced a new service, Say it With a Star. The service essentially allows you to buy a voicemail greeting recorded by a celebrity. So far the company has Jadakiss, Lil’ Flip, Planet Asia, Lord Tariq and other people with stupid names signed up to participate. Personally, I’m waiting for Chuck Norris to sign on so I can have him on my voicemail greeting whispering, “One night you’ll close your eyes, and when they open, I’ll be there. And it’ll be time to die.” Awesome.
–Turns out there’s a mobile software testing and development company in Europe called “Flander.” My only comment about this is: Stupid Flanders.
–We get a lot of fun stuff sent to the RCR Wireless News offices, but the absolute best thing came last week. Fun Friends, at www.funfriends.com, sent us a huge box of their stuffed animals for cellphones. These are little stuffed animals that fit over flip-style cellphones. My personal cellphone is now covered by a cute little turtle.
–Verizon Wireless this week put out a puzzling press release about the most popular Bon Jovi songs that have been downloaded through the carrier’s Vcast Music service. The No. 1 song? “Have a nice day.” “Livin’ on a prayer” was No. 3. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything funny to say about this because it’s just too weird. But anyway, have a nice day.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.