Worst of the Week: 700 MHz of choices

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I hear that there’s a spectrum auction in the works. Apparently, The Federal Communications Commission-the one that hates female body parts on TV but is OK with televised torture-is gearing up to sell 60 megahertz of spectrum in the valuable 700 MHz band. The money from this auction is going to the U.S. Treasury, where it will be used to fund such worthwhile expenses as Tom Tancredo’s salary.
I’m personally very excited for the upcoming 700 MHz auction. Spectrum auctions are grand events, where companies spend billions of dollars to own small slices of air. Spectrum is valuable, you see, because it can transmit episodes of “American Idol” as well as my wife’s nagging phone calls about the leaky shower fixture. If spectrum could fix said shower fixture, I might even be interested in buying it.
But anyway.
The upcoming 700 MHz spectrum auction is especially interesting because there are a number of players who want the FCC to change the way it doles out spectrum. Auctions, they argue, are too expensive for all but the largest companies, and therefore don’t promote innovation. That’s right: The argument is that the wireless industry-which grew up on spectrum auctions-is not innovative. I guess my $50 phone, which plays music and TV, supports GPS services, accesses the Internet and, oh yeah, makes calls, is not innovative. Or at least not innovative enough. But whatever.
So here are some of my own proposals to fix the way the FCC allocates spectrum:
1, The beauty pageant proposal. Remember these? They were so awesome. In a beauty pageant, companies try to convince the FCC that they would use spectrum better than anyone else. The beauty pageant works on the same principles as dating and job interviews.
“Yes, I plan to love, honor and cherish this spectrum until death or bankruptcy do us part.”
My only concern is that I have never placed higher than fourth in any of the dozens of beauty pageants I have competed in over the years. So there’s that.
2, The “give it” proposal. This is an excellent proposal whereby the FCC would give out some spectrum to a company, and that company would build a network that would be shared between regular people and public-safety workers.
What a great idea! I just hope the FCC gives the spectrum to NextWave because then everyone could be sure that things would run smoothly.
On the plus side, this proposal might make it easier for me to call the fire department (we’ll be using the same spectrum after all) when I attempt to fix the leaky shower fixture and instead blow up my house. But I’m not entirely sure about that.
3, The iPhone proposal. Under this proposal, the FCC would give Apple a bunch of spectrum because, man, that iPhone is all sorts of neat. Apple would then use the spectrum to irradiate all Microsoft computers and get people to replace them with Macs.
The only problem with this proposal is. well. I actually can’t think of a problem.
Anyway, I’m sure the FCC will ultimately make the right decision in regards to the upcoming 700 MHz auction, and that everything will go off without a hitch. After all, the FCC has an excellent track record when it comes to spectrum auctions. I just hope they keep protecting me from female body parts.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Verizon Wireless has been putting out a number of funky press releases lately, but its latest-titled “Own your career with Verizon Wireless job-hunting advice for college grads”-takes the cake. The release is sprinkled with pseudo-suggestions that make little sense (“select a company that knows who it is,” for example) and is obviously just an attempt to get people to apply for a job at Verizon Wireless. I have some of my own advice for Verizon: Why not just issue a press release titled “Apply for a job at Verizon Wireless because we’re great” or something? I also have some advice for college grads: Plastics. There’s a great future in plastics.
–We get a lot of story pitches from PR professionals, but not all of them are fully baked. For example, here’s one we received not too long ago: “Can I get your focus and deadline for the ODM/OEM for June 16th’s article? What do these acronyms mean by the way?” Hilarious.
–Virgin Mobile USA is sponsoring the “Virgin Festival” in August. My colleague Colin Gibbs assured me that it’s not what it sounds like; it’s a music festival featuring acts like The Police and Smashing Pumpkins. So just fyi, I guess.
–And finally, from the “we can’t make this up” department, there’s a carrier getting started in the United Arab Emirates called “Moobility Telecom.” Don’t believe me? www.moobility.com. And what is their logo? A cow, of course.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.