Worst of the Week: The Confederate States of Qualcomm

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So the ITC (which stands for International Trypanotolerance Centre, in case you were wondering) is working to ban the sale of Qualcomm’s chips. This means that handset makers that use Qualcomm chips won’t be able to sell their phones in the United States. It’s unclear exactly which handsets and handset makers will be affected (I’m not sure why it’s unclear; shouldn’t Qualcomm know this sort of stuff?) but it’s fair to say that it’s a pretty big deal.
At issue are Broadcom’s patents for power management. According to the International Trypanotolerance Centre, Qualcomm’s chips violate Broadcom’s patents. However, Qualcomm doesn’t think its products violate those patents, so the company has decided to fight the ruling.
How exactly is Qualcomm going to do this?
Well, Qualcomm is asking for a presidential veto on the ITC ban. That’s right: Rather than pay Broadcom a simple patent-licensing fee (a payment most other businesses would consider standard), Qualcomm is going to petition the world’s most powerful leader for a veto. I’m sure that President Bush has plenty of time to deal with this situation, seeing as how the immigration thing fell through and all.
Anyway, I guess I can sort of understand Qualcomm’s position: In the interest of its shareholders, the company feels the need to exhaust all options possible. No word yet on whether Qualcomm is going to secede from the United States and form its own independent government where the only valid patents are those developed by Qualcomm-which, to me, is the next logical step if a presidential veto doesn’t work.
I’m sure they will call it “The Confederate States of Qualcomm,” and Paul Jacobs will rule with a gentle, kind hand, much like Aragorn, crowned as King Elessar, ruler of Gondor.
So what’s the point? The point is that, after the International Trypanotolerance Centre ruled to ban Qualcomm’s chips, I got to thinking about what else should be banned in the wireless industry.
Here’s my short list of issues that I plan to submit before the International Trypanotolerance Centre for potential bans.
–The “Can You Hear Me Now” guy.
–“Phone names,” like Fusic, Sync and Oystr.
–Dork flags (Bluetooth headsets).
–NASCAR
–The excessive use of acronyms.
–Anything that costs more than $50.
–Things that I can’t understand.
–Dan Meyer.
–Steve Jobs’ black turtleneck sweater.
–Push-to-talk phones.
–Anyone who doesn’t read this column.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Alcatel-Lucent announced a new content-management platform for sale to carriers. Buried in the company’s announcement was this gem, from Margaret Norton, an Alcatel-Lucent vice president: “Subscribers continue to be surprised at the lack of visible, relevant brands on their mobiles. They want to be marketed to as they are on the Internet, at the mall and on TV.” You read that right, you want to be bombarded with ads while watching TV, shopping at the mall and surfing the Internet. Alcatel-Lucent says so.
–From the we-can’t-make-this-up department: Hong Kong-based content vendor Artificial Life announced a new mobile game called . wait for it. “LET GO OF MY BANANA.” Classic. And yes, the company did write the title of their game in all caps.
–Sprint Nextel put out a press release this week titled, “How to stay connected to work while you play during the summer months.” My only question is: Why, Sprint Nextel, why? Why do you hate the human race so much that you want us to work during summer vacation? You are so mean.
–Another one from the we-can’t-make-this-up department: There is an actual company called “iPhone2 Inc.” They describe themselves as a “voice and video over Internet Protocol communication provider.” I guess I don’t have much to add. Except that I think I’m going to change my name to Mike “iPhoning” Dano.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com