Worst of the Week: Fun with iNumbers

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So, in case you have been living under a rock (which I would think would be very uncomfortable), avoiding all forms of mass media (also a difficult proposition), or living on the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune, you might have heard that Apple Inc. is planning to launch something called an iPhone next week. (I know that spelling might seem weird, but trust me, that is how they spell it.)
Anyways, this device has stirred up a lot of particles along the bottom of the wireless lake, resulting in an inordinate amount of muck in what is usually a crystal clear bastion of wireless goodness. To help sift through these murky waters, a number of analyst firms have taken it upon themselves to attempt to enlighten the masses on what the launch of the iPhone will mean. This research ranges from expected consumer response to the device to how the device will impact other carriers and handset vendors. And of course, nearly all of these reports seem to have no basis in reality, which is what makes them fun.
After having thumbed through reams of reports on the subject, I thought I could do a better job of providing a some iPhone facts ahead of its launch. Feel free to liberally spread this information amongst your co-workers, MySpace pages and various message boards.
–90% of current wireless customers said they would be interested in the iPhone if it were priced at $1 or less. 99% said they would be interested if AT&T or Apple paid them to take the device.
–100% of people named Bill Gates and Ed Zander expressed no interest in buying an iPhone at any price despite the fact they appeared to be wearing clothes made from $1,000 bills.
–3% of potential iPhone buyers said they were not concerned that the device only supported EDGE data capabilities, though that number increased to 99% when EDGE was explained to them and that without full 3G support the device would self-destruct if the user attempted to buy a ringtone.
–The person likely sleeping in the tent next to you while waiting in line to buy the iPhone will be named Kelly if male or Kelly if female, will already own at least seven mobile devices, will have both a Nintendo Wii and Sony Playstation 3 at home though will not own any silverware, and for some reason will prefer Almond Joy to Mounds. That person is also likely to put a small “I” in front of every noun they use, emphasizing the letter by drawing it in the air with their finger.
–37% of people standing in line for the iPhone will mistakenly think they are in line to buy the new Harry Potter book. Once they discover their mistake, 87% will begin crying under what they think is their invisibility cloak.
–And finally, 74% of people who buy the iPhone will second-guess their decision when they realize that one co-worker who they always thought was kind of a weirdo also bought an iPhone.
See, numbers can be fun, and even more so when they don’t make any sense at all. Now, if you excuse me, I have to pack a couple of sandwiches and a Thermos to stake my space in line for an iPhone.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–LG hosted a party in Hollywood this week toasting its VX9400 handset and the “evolution of the television.” The event, which took place at Paramount Studios and was attended by our own man-about-town Matt Kapko, was to “recreate themes from three of television’s most memorable shows including the ‘Brady Bunch,’ ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Happy Days.'” Not sure these are on our list of “most memorable” shows, but whatever. The capper for the event: Celebrities in attendance included Scott Baio, Gary Coleman and Shannen Doherty. Way to go LG. Nothing says cheesy Hollywood event like D-list celebrities.
–We were very excited to see a press release early this week touting “AT&T signs three-year contract renewal with RCR.” Only to find out after actually reading the release that apparently the RCR mentioned was Richard Childress Racing and not Radio Communications Report. That little detail did not stop us from enjoying reading the release and imaging the possibilities. Especially this quote: “My enthusiasm about what we are doing at RCR is as high as it’s ever been. I’ve never even considered doing something different.” Awesome.
–The Vatican, yes, that The Vatican, broadened its commandment-issuing abilities this week with a “Ten Commandments” for drivers. Amongst the commandments are such staples as No. 1, “You shall not kill,” and No. 3, “Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.” While there was no direct mention of the use of cellphones while driving, we figured it was implied in No. 5’s “Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.”
–In the “I’d change the channel, but the remote control is too far away” department, always-thinking Sony Ericsson unveiled a trio of Bluetooth-enabled wristwatches that the company said would allow users to control their phone from their wristwatch. Finally! Wristwatch features include the ability to screen phone calls as well as choosing to reject, mute or take the call, though calls still have to be answered through the handset. Perhaps the coolest, or lamest, feature is that the watch vibrates when the phone goes out of range. Any piece of vibrating equipment you can strap to your body and not draw attention to is cool, or lame.