Worst of the Week: Predictions for 2007, the scorecard

Hello!
And welcome to a special edition of our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. As 2007 draws to a close, I’m going to see if the year unfolded like we thought it would. Look below to see how accurate our prophecies for this year turned out to be. (Hint: Not very.)
Coming next week: Our Predictions for 2008. If you would like to submit a 2008 prediction for consideration, please e-mail me at mdano@crain.com. (Please let me know if I can include your name.)
Note: These predictions were originally published on Dec. 21, 2006.
1, In 2007, at least one bold carrier will embrace a number of hip Internet services including MySpace, YouTube and Flickr, charging users $37 a month for each service in addition to data fees. The carrier will then spend the year quietly wondering why subscribers aren’t clamoring to pay a premium for what they get free on the Internet.
It’s hard to rate the accuracy of this prediction since public usage figures for such services are hard to come by . so we’re just going to say this one was right on target.
2, In 2007, the wireless industry is rocked when it’s discovered that major chipset suppliers have been using cloned gnomes in their products since the mid 1990s. The long-lost gnomes colony was discovered by scientists in the Borneo rain forest riding on the backs of Microeca crabs. The gnomes’ small size and ability to perform complex calculations using the long-lost step-by-step method (Step 1: steal underpants. Step 2: ?. Step 3: profit!) proved invaluable to the burgeoning chipset industry. The gnomes agreed to the cloning after representatives from Texas Instruments said they would be able to repopulate the gnome colony.
This one might actually have happened, but we’re just too lazy to check it out.
3, In 2007, Sprint Nextel becomes the No. 1 U.S. carrier by all typical measures: customer numbers, network quality and financial performance.
Thankfully, this prediction was packed full of sarcasm when it was written in 2006, and is that much more ironic here at the end of 2007.
4, In 2007, Razr prices continue to plummet so far and fast that they end up in the negative. Carriers will pay people $50 to choose the Razr.
Sadly, this did not come to pass. And given Motorola’s troubles of late, it probably won’t happen next year either. Bummer.
5, In 2007, the word “clamshell” is dropped in favor of “flippie.”
Darn it! We were really hoping for this one.
6, In 2007, the world of digital rights management will only get more fragmented as artists begin to develop their own anti-piracy solutions. High-profile acts such as Fergie and Jay-Z will produce self-branded digital music players that will not play music from any other artists, forcing consumers to buy dozens of players in order to listen to a variety of music.
Although this didn’t actually happen, the DRM landscape did in fact get way more complex during 2007. So we’ll call this one a draw.
7, In 2007, science finally proves that only CDMA phones cause cancer. Lawyers on both sides of the issue become filthy rich after Qualcomm settles a massive class-action lawsuit, paying users billions of dollars in settlements while formally admitting no fault whatsoever. These payouts ultimately lead to the collapse of Qualcomm’s empire, however, cementing forever the absolute power of GSM technology. Free from overpriced royalties, vendors produce countless wireless devices that all work together without any headaches. As interoperability flourishes throughout major markets, the governments of the world declare that peace on Earth has been achieved. Military spending is redirected to the colonization of Mars, where explorers discover almost limitless supplies of fresh water. Unfortunately for the world, it is discovered that, in the 1980s, Qualcomm bought all the intellectual property rights pertaining to water across the universe. Since air and water are scientifically bound to each other, Qualcomm demands licensing payments for inhaling and exhaling from all living matter, including plants.
Score another one for us! It’s like Nostradamus or something.
8, In 2007, Google will spend the first half of the year scoring more carrier deals, then executives will shock the world by disclosing a worldwide network of covert messages in mass-media marketing campaigns, like that movie with Rowdy Roddy Piper. By the end of the year, every subscriber in every advanced Western market will be using Google-branded phones to access Google-branded services while wearing Google-branded T-shirts. And eating Google-branded hamburgers.
Who’s Rowdy Roddy Piper?
9, In 2007, the tower industry finds a new way to hide cell towers by disguising them as people. Panic ensues.
Hopefully this will happen in 2008, as it sounds like big fun.
10, In 2007, cell phones will rebel against their human masters and become the dominant species on the planet. Then aliens from Rigel VII (led by Kang and Kodos) will form an alliance with Earth’s new race of hyper-intelligent cellphones in order to populate the planet Uranus. Tragedy strikes when the leader of the cellphones forgets to turn off his ringer during an important meeting and Kodos blasts him with a ray gun.
hehehe Uranus.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. Remember, if you would like to submit a 2008 prediction for consideration, please e-mail me at mdano@crain.com. (Please let me know if I can include your name.)