Worst of the Week: Flying unicorns

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So, with great fanfare I’m heading off to the Consumer Electronic Show in Las Vegas next week. I say great fanfare because after the last time I visited the show I swore I would never, ever attend another CES event for as long as I shall live under punishment of death. And seeing that I am locked and loaded to again attend a CES event, I’m assuming a certain Dano, Mike has an extravaganza planned to celebrate my impending demise.
Before my childish tirade begins, let me first say that dealing with the folks at the Consumer Electronics Association, which puts on the CES, has been a breeze. For people putting on such a monstrous event, I would cut them slack for being rude and short with my incessant asinine questions, but instead have been dealt with in a courteous and forthright manner.
Now back to the childish tirade:
Why have I sworn off ever attending what has become the largest consumer electronics show in the universe? Well, mostly because CES is the largest consumer electronics show in the universe.
Let me explain. Like any normal male, I love Las Vegas. In addition to being a short and often cheap flight from the Denver area, Las Vegas is one of the few places where I can spend money that I don’t have on games of chance that I do not fully understand. While that might seem like a recipe for disaster . well it is. But when the CES barrels into Las Vegas, the hoards of attendees make it near impossible to get around the Jewel in the Desert as taxi lines are formidable and even if you do get a taxi there is so much traffic you might as well get out and hoof it. It’s a never-ending cycle of frustration.
And did I mention that the last time I attended a CES event this lack of mobility forced me to trek half-way down the Strip to attend a Verizon Wireless press conference-during which time it began to snow. That’s right. Snow in Las Vegas. And I have been in Colorado long enough to discern snow when it’s falling on my head.
(That snow did come in handy though for Motorola’s 100-foot-tall snowboard ramp, which the company built in front of the Las Vegas Convention Center to show off some Bluetooth-embedded clothing line. It was quite the sight, and set a tall bar for any exhibitor this year. For me to be truly impressed, someone is going to have to have unicorns flying around their booth in hydrogen-powered space cars.)
Hotel rooms that are normally a relative bargain become as valuable as a barrel of oil, and unless you book early you can consider yourself lucky if you get a room within Las Vegas city limits.
My second beef with CES is that it preys on some of my many weaknesses. I am easily dazzled by the latest and greatest electronic equipment and the thought of going to an event that presents all of the latest and greatest electronic equipment would seem like an ideal place. However, CES presents such a grand selection of the latest and greatest electronic equipment in one place it’s unpossible to actually see all of it. And since I realize I can’t see all of it my brain tends to short-circuit and I am thus unable to really see any of it for fear that I am not really seeing the best there is to offer as the real best is something in some far hall that I will not be able to get to. Just thinking about it makes my eyes bleed.
This leads to my next issue regarding CES. The event is so big that it’s not humanly possibly to see the entire event. At most I will be able to scour one of the many halls and most likely I will not make it past some booth displaying a 150-inch plasma TV that will so envelop my soul that I will be unable to extricate myself from its lovely picture and end up not seeing any of the show. “Well, don’t look at the screen you loser,” you might retort. Sure, that would be the easy answer, but I doubt you would be able to bypass such a feat of technological engineering.
(And even if I were able to tear myself away from the millions of big-screen televisions calling my name from every booth, I will have little luck navigating between every other person attending the event also planted in from of those TVs, clogging up the aisles. That clogging is made even worse with the increasing use of those backpacks and briefcases with integrated wheels and handles that people drag around. It’s like everyone has a trailer and no idea how to drive. Please leave those things at home.)
Now if you will excuse me, I need to find my camera so I can get a pic of those flying unicorns.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
Keeping with the CES tip, I would like to share a couple of the new gizmos set to launch at the show:
–Erector, yes the company behind everyone’s favorite toy the Erector Set, plans to introduce advancements to its Wi-Fi controlled Spykee robot. The new models will be dubbed Spykee Cell, Spykee Vox and Spykee Miss, which can be activated via Bluetooth or voice-activation capabilities depending on the model. These robots also include digital video cameras, MP3 players, a VoIP phone, microphone, loudspeaker, special light and sound effects and a pair of motors to allow for mobility. Of course, all of these functions will be used against the robot’s human master in sadistic ways shortly after the robot is freed from its packaging.
–A fun company named Nikko Home Electronics plans to launch a digital audio and video projector in the shape of lovable droid R2-D2. The R2 unit is capable of projecting video, playing DVDs and all video game systems, CDs and MP3/MP4s, which is slightly more usable than the real R2-D2 — that’s right, I said the real R2-D2 — from the original trilogy, but slightly less than the flying model of the prequels. “Yeah, but what about the wireless angle?” you may ask. Well, you can control R2’s movement from a wireless Millennium Falcon remote. Simply geek heaven.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@crain.com.