Worst of the Week: Who was that masked bidder?

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I’ve bid around $1.2 billion in the 700 MHz auction so far. I’m mainly spending my time upping the price on a bunch of tiny E Block licenses (like the one for American Samoa, that license is the bomb!), but every once and a while, just to keep everyone on their toes, I’m bidding on the regional C Blocks.
I’m also the one who bid on the D Block in the first round. Suckers!
I’m sure you’re wondering how I got approved to bid in the FCC’s 700 MHz auction. I actually used the same tactic that I did when I was in college and snuck into a Rolling Stones concert; I’m just acting like I’m supposed to be there. I also signed on with the name Ralph Wiggum. I think that helped a lot.
The best part about the whole 700 MHz auction is that no one knows it’s me who’s bidding. The FCC, in all its wisdom, is not identifying the names of top bidders at the close of each round. Instead, only the amount of the top bid for particular licenses in each round is publicly disclosed. This leaves me to wreck havoc anonymously.
Click here for complete 700 MHz auction coverage.
I’m the masked bidder. I’m the caped auctionee, able to bid on C and D Blocks with a mere click of my mouse! I’m like Batman, except instead of fighting crime and doing useful things, I’m messing with the federal government and laying the groundwork for years and years worth of lawsuits.
And don’t worry about me; if any of my “bids” actually end up winning, I already have a plan for when the FCC comes asking for its money like an unshaven repo man.
“What license?” I’ll say. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why don’t you come back later.”
See? A foolproof plan. And what are they going to do? Leave me a bad feedback score? Please. NextWave seems to have done just fine.
Anyway, I’m thinking I might bid on the D Block some more, just to make everyone think there’s actually some interest in that thing. Or maybe I’ll just bid like crazy on the entire state of New Mexico, so as to rule its airwaves with an iron fist.
Or maybe I’ll just pull a Frontline and quit.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Nokia Siemens recently announced a partnership with WWF. At first I was very, very excited about this news, until I discovered the WWF is actually a global conservation organization and has nothing to do with the Macho Man.
–Palm announced it would shut down its branded retail outlets. I’m totally bummed. Where am I going to hang out on the weekends now?
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.