Worst of the Week: An iPhone SDK and too much time on my hands

And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So Apple officially released its software development kit (SDK) last week. The SDK is currently available for download on Apple’s Web site. If you’re anything like me, you’ve downloaded it three times, just to be safe.
I’m terrifically excited about Apple’s new SDK. If there’s one thing you need to know about me, it’s that I love to develop applications. Yessir, I love me some code writin’ and app developin’. In fact, I’m the motherlovin’ MacDaddy of software creatin’, testin’ and deployin’, bro. Fo sho.
And to develop for the iPhone will be fantastic.
Now, regular Worst of the Week readers may remember my initial reaction to the iPhone; let’s just say I was less than optimistic about Apple’s chances in the cutthroat mobile device industry. Indeed, when the iPhone first went on sale in June of 2007, I urged other Apple-haters such as myself to wail on iPhone buyers with “nerd bats.”
I now realize how immature, juvenile and hurtful those comments were. My sincere apologies go out to Apple’s Steve Jobs and all the other wonderful iPhone owners out there. My only excuse is that I was misquoted by the press.
Anyway, back to the point: The point is that I’m currently using all my mad software-development skillz to build some awesome iPhone apps. What exactly am I working on, you ask?
1, An iPhone nerd bat. This application will be available for $10 through Apple’s App Store when it goes online in June. After users download and install the app, it will automatically send me an e-mail with that user’s location. I will immediately travel to that user’s location and beat him with my nerd bat. If that user happens to be female (yeah, right) I will roll my eyes at her and say bad things about her shoes.
2, A “locate the nerd” function. This app will use the iPhone’s innovative accelerometer, which recognizes the device’s orientation. Once downloaded and installed, my “locate the nerd” application will launch a fully rendered, 3D arrow that will point to the iPhone owner no matter which way he or she is holding the device. Once the application locates the user, it will emit a shrieking “Look at this nerd!” ringtone through the device’s speakerphone.
3, A Chuck Norris screensaver. Once downloaded and installed, the Chuck Norris screensaver will feature an image of the man himself, and it will whisper “Sleep tight, sucker,” just before delivering a roundhouse kick to the iPhone owner’s face. To the face.
4, A music player. Wouldn’t it be nice if the iPhone played digital music? I’m really surprised this feature isn’t included in the current version.
And finally: 5, A video-calling service. This service will allow iPhone users to place calls to other iPhone owners that include a streaming video feed. The video feed itself would be of the inside of my right nostril. Strange? Yes. Technologically advanced? Definitely.
Well there you have it. All these amazing and spectacular apps will be available for download through Apple’s App Store come June. The only thing I have to do first is find the $99 it takes to join Apple’s developer program. And then of course I have to get my apps certified by Apple, which I’m sure won’t be a problem.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–The FCC said it will release the names of the winners of the 700 MHz spectrum auction within 10 days of the end of the auction. 10 days!?!?!!? Are you kidding me?!?!?! And here I thought the FCC, along with the rest of the federal government, was an effective and efficient institution. Geez.
–Sprint Nextel announced it released a software upgrade for its Mogul cellphone users that will allow them to make use of the carrier’s super-fast CDMA2000 EV-DO Revision A network. And the world’s three Mogul owners cheered in response.
–TracFone announced it won another court case against cellphone bandits, those who buy the company’s prepaid cellphones in bulk, unlock the devices, and then resell them for a profit. I find this news disheartening, because it now seems like TracFone may well ruin my dreams of becoming the world’s greatest cellphone bandit. Oh well. I’m sure this whole journalism thing will pan out eventually. Sigh.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.