Worst of the Week: The real 700 MHz auction winners

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So after seven years or so of bidding, the Federal Communications Commission’s 700 MHz auction is finally over. And it’s about time. I was getting just a little tired of all the action surrounding the B-Block license for American Samoa. I mean, really? American Samoa? Is that even a real place?
(Update: Astute reader Larry, who lives in Pago Pago, American Samoa, assures me that, “Yes, American Samoa is a real place. Just barely, but nevertheless real.” So there you go.)
Anyway, I’m very happy the auction is over. And the best part is that I managed to get a copy of the list of 700 MHz winners. The FCC is planning to release this list to the public (and may well do so sometime this decade) but I managed to get an early copy.
How did I get this list, you ask? It’s a funny story that involves Chuck Norris, but I don’t have time to go into it here. Suffice to say: I’m a member of the fourth estate, which means I routinely get copies of important documents but still can’t afford to get a proper haircut.
So here are some of the more salient items contained within the 700 MHz winner’s list:
–Google did not actually win any spectrum. I’m sure this comes as a surprise to no one; I mean, come on, they’re an Internet search company after all. What would they do with spectrum? Google owning spectrum would be as silly as a paper company evolving into the world’s largest handset maker or a sports network launching a branded cellphone service.
–Verizon Wireless won 11 of the 12 regional C-Block licenses up for grabs. Verizon would have gotten all of the licenses, except rival AT&T Mobility decided to bid $1.6 billion for the Mississippi Valley C Block just to spite Verizon. I feel bad for Verizon, but only a little.
–Those crazy cable and satellite guys, including Cox, EchoStar and Cablevision, scored a bunch of A-Block licenses. Why? No one knows. But I guess it’s not really a surprise; after all, many of these same companies teamed up to bid on spectrum during the advanced wireless services auction in 2006. I suspect they’ll use all this newly acquired spectrum to beam even more boring and useless TV channels to people’s homes.
–Amazingly, Chevron USA was the big winner in the B Block, picking up huge stretches of spectrum across the North and Midwest. And why not? Chevron reported revenues last year of $220 billion, so why not throw some money at spectrum? I would. Anyway, I expect that any day now Google will announce plans to acquire Chevron, thereby creating the largest oil producing/spectrum owning/Internet search company the world has ever seen.
–Qualcomm managed to acquire almost all of the nation’s E-Block licenses, and will undoubtedly use that spectrum to broadcast MediaFLO mobile TV to every man, woman and child in America. The real question though is: What happens when they discover no one is really interested in mobile TV?
–And finally, it turns out MetroPCS was the crazyhead that kept bidding on American Samoa. Why, MetroPCS, why?
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. Please note: Based on some of the early e-mails I’ve received, I think it might be good to point out that this column is a joke, just like all the previous Worst of the Week columns. Just fyi, for those of you who are not regular readers…
And now, some extras:
–AT&T is on our side. The carrier recently put out a press release that quotes Tim McGhee, director of national sponsorships for AT&T: “We are thrilled for Jeff, RCR and the entire No. 31 AT&T Chevrolet team on a fantastic win at Bristol Motor Speedway.” I don’t know who “Jeff” is, what “No. 31 AT&T Chevrolet team” means or where “Bristol Motor Speedway” is, but I’m glad AT&T is a fan of RCR. I’m sure they’re reading this right now.
–New numbers show that iPhone owners use data features like video and browsing at much higher rates than other wireless users. This comes as no surprise to me; if you can afford a $400 phone, you probably have the time and money to spend on mobile content.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.