Worst of the Week: Trade show etiquette

Hello!
And welcome to our column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who think a huge trade show would be fun to go to, and those who have been to one (or many) and know the truth. The truth is that huge trade shows, like CTIA Wireless 2008, exist in their own space and time, separate from that of reality. And learning how to navigate a big trade show requires immense amounts of patience, a high tolerance for terrible food and even worse restroom facilities, and blister-resistant shoes and socks.
Having visited a number of CTIA shows over the years (as well as other events such as CES, CTIA I.T. and 3GSM. or whatever they’re calling that one these days) I have a few guidelines to offer to the industry at large. Of course, trade-show experiences may differ depending on where you’re sitting (in the booth or in a meeting room) but these guidelines are simply intended to clean up the situation a little.
Think of these as suggestions as an attempt to inject a little civilization into a setting that is otherwise completely uncivilized.
OK, let’s get to it:
1. Please don’t use booth babes.
The use of the booth-babe strategy rests on one single, unfortunate principle: Men are stupid and weak. Booth babes prey on men’s base qualities, and those who employ such a strategery are fully aware of this fact. As a less-than-perfect man, I can readily admit that attractive women wield a dangerous power, one that should be unleashed in only controlled situations like car commercials or cardboard cutouts in liquor stores.
Thus, booth babes are the “nuclear option” in the trade-show wars, and I for one would like to call for an armistice. My poor, weak constitution simply can’t handle them.
2. Find, and hide, clean bathrooms.
This item pertains more to 3GSM (or whatever they’re calling that one these days) than to CTIA, but it’s still important. A clean, unused bathroom is like gold in the real world or cigarettes in prison; you can literally sell information about clean bathrooms to trade-show attendees.
The problem, of course, is that trade-show bathrooms — at least those in major thoroughfares — get used by thousands of men who are generally in a hurry. The result is what you would expect: Hideous filth.
Exacerbating the problem are “bathroom talkers.” These sub-humans like to carry on conversations while conducting bathroom business, and it is disgusting. The only thing worst than using an unclean bathroom is using an unclean bathroom while listening to someone in the next stall discussing their latest business deal at the top of their lungs.
I have more fun during dentist appointments.
So, if you ever come across a clean, unused bathroom at CTIA, treat it like a diamond in the rough and hide it well. Tell only your most valued associates about it. It is truly a treasure beyond words.
Also, tell me where it is.
3. Don’t schedule any events before 10 a.m.
I learned this one the hard way. And since I’m not a very good student, I had to learn it a couple of times before it sunk in.
There are a number of companies that put on early morning events at trade shows like CTIA. I am always amazed that anyone is able to drag themselves out of bed and attend these functions. There should be some kind of award presented to those who attend — and remember — those 7 a.m. breakfast meetings.
For the rest of us, whose nights may involve a cocktail or two, morning events are simply not possible.
There are exceptions to this guide, however: First exception is when my editor is moderating a discussion like the IDC breakfast, set for Wednesday morning. Yes-sir-ee, make sure to get up in time for that one. Good keynotes are another possible exception, so same editor tells me to say.
4. Ignore off-site meetings.
I fully believe that off-site meetings are intentionally designed as cruel jokes to be played on unsuspecting journalists. Those who schedule such meetings always promise that the meeting location is “just a quick walk” or “a short cab ride” from the trade-show venue, but they never take into account the other 5 billion trade-show attendees who apparently are also traveling to an off-site meeting at all times of the day.
Thus, most “quick off-site meetings” in fact take most of an afternoon, and are rarely worth it. If you’re conducting off-site meetings at CTIA, you might as well be scheduling them on the moon.
5. Install padded carpet in your booth.
The one constant in the trade-show game is sore feet. Everyone who goes to CTIA, or any other major trade show, will quickly learn this, and will — if they have shoes like I do — create inventive curse words to fling at their shoes, those objects that inflict so much unwanted pain.
I once thought there was nothing to be done about my aching feet, until I walked across my first padded carpet. Padded carpet, which can be found in a select number of high-end booths, is like the hot shower after an unplanned bivouac at 11,000 feet in winter. Padded carpets act like a shot of morphine for those aching dogs. I’m not making this up.
So if you happen to have the choice between carpet and padded carpet, please think of my feet before you make your decision. In fact, please think of my feet before making any decision about anything, just to be safe.
Anyway, that’s it. Good luck to all of you attending the latest CTIA show, and remember: The bathroom on the third floor of Hall 2 IS MINE.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–I have only one extra this week, but it’s a good one: The RCR Wireless News CTIA Party List. Enjoy.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.