Worst of the Week: The 3G iPhone comes in black and white?!?!?! Wow!!!

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So Apple announced a 3G iPhone. Aren’t you excited? I sure am. I like everything about the iPhone, including the fact that it’s the “phone that changed phones forever,” at least according to Mr. Jobs. Not that he’s bragging, of course.
Anyway, I’m getting my camping stuff together so I can head out to the local Apple store to begin my wait for the July 11 release date. I hope the line isn’t too long already. Luckily, I don’t think I’ll need to bring any sunscreen as I’ll be covered in a fine coat of nerd sweat.
See, the reason I’m going to begin waiting in line for the 3G iPhone is because it is the greatest product known to man. Why exactly is the iPhone so great? Well, Mr. Jobs outlined some of the amazing functions of the new version of the iPhone during his presentation earlier this week in San Francisco. I’m now going to briefly list some of the more notable features of the 3G iPhone so as to convince you that you should love it more than your own mother.
1. The 3G iPhone has a light monitor to tell you when it’s light and when it’s dark. This amazing technology saves you from having to use your optical nerve and check light levels yourself.
2. The 3G iPhone has Bluetooth, so that when you need to make a call you can use a Bluetooth headset instead of the phone itself. Bluetooth is an amazing technology and I’m really surprised that it’s not included on more phones. (Please note: On this particular item I’m using a literary technique called sarcasm; Bluetooth is today a standard feature on even the most basic phones.)
3. The 3G iPhone has a calculator built into it. Calculators are pretty neat.
4. The 3G iPhone runs on HSDPA networks, which means that you can download a 3 terabyte attachment in 0.5 milliseconds while driving 1,000 miles per hour inside a subway tunnel buried 1 mile below the Earth’s surface.
5. The 3G iPhone can play videos from YouTube. (A bunch of other phones can do this also, thanks to YouTube’s well-built WAP site, but don’t tell Mr. “Phone that changed phones forever” Jobs that.)
6. The 3G iPhone supports GPS. This feature allows the National Security Agency to track your every move, and also watch you while you pee.
7. The 3G iPhone contains an accelerometer. An accelerometer is an amazing piece of technology that allows you to fly and read other people’s minds. However, it makes you very susceptible to red Kryptonite.
8. The 3G iPhone comes in an amazing two colors. Can you #$%#$%ing believe it?!?!?!? I mean, holy $%^$, not only does it come in black but you can also buy a white version! Fantastic.
9. Ah, I’m getting sick of this list. If you buy an iPhone you’re a stupid little freak.
Damn, I was really hoping to make it to 10, but oh well. You can’t have everything in life, but you can buy a 3G iPhone on July 11. I hope to see you there, mainly so I can point and laugh. At you.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Sprint Nextel was gracious enough to send us a demo unit of the forthcoming Samsung Instinct. It is a pretty slick little phone, but I have come to the realization that I just really don’t like touchscreen devices. I’ve tried a number of them over the past few months, including the LG Voyager and the Samsung Glyde, and I’ve decided I just don’t like them. I don’t want a phone that makes me angry at how wide my fingers are. I’m self-conscious enough as it is.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.