Worst of the Week: Motorola, why not me?

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So Motorola isn’t doing too hot lately. In fact, the troubles seem to be seriously mounting for the company that basically invented the cellphone and – up until a few months ago – was the second-largest handset maker in the entire world. Now, it seems, no one wants to touch Motorola with a ten-foot pole.
Motorola is like that kid in middle school who was really popular until someone discovered him eating boogers. Gross.
Evidence of Motorola’s plight:
–The Wall Street Journal issued a scathing report on the company’s finances, and revealed that one of the candidates for chief of the company’s cellphone operation pulled out of consideration. I’m sure it was because the pay was too good.
–Also according to the Journal, Huawei’s handset division has five interested suitors that value the business at $4 billion – but there has been no movement on Motorola’s efforts to spin off its own, much larger handset business.
–And finally, Motorola’s market share and finances (at least in its handset business) have been steadily declining over the past year or so. And recent downgrades by investment firms on the company’s stock indicate a less-than-confident outlook.
All this comes just two short years after Moto’s chief Ed Zander was named RCR Wireless News’ Person of the Year. Can you believe that? Wow. Don’t worry, we picked Steve Jobs for 2007, so that one should hold up a little longer (probably).
Anyway, what’s my point? My point is that, starting today, I officially announce my candidacy for chief of Motorola’s cellphone division. Why? Well, it seems no one else wants it, and I usually make an excellent last, desperate choice – for basketball teams, work-related projects and just about anything else.
Here’s why Motorola should hire me for the position:
1, I used to own a Razr, so I know a lot about cellphones and Motorola cellphones specifically. I also know that the screen on my Razr crapped out after about a year, so I would try to fix that in future Motorola products.
2, As a drone for RCR Wireless News, I get to play with a lot of different kinds of cellphones, and I have a vague understanding of what works and what doesn’t. For example, I know that touchscreen phones are hard to use if you have adult-sized hands (my colleague and touchscreen fan Dan Meyer has incredibly small hands, to his great relief).
3, I have an excellent work ethic, and am never late to work except for most Fridays and any other day I sleep late.
For these reasons, I think I would make an excellent candidate to oversee Motorola’s handset business.
Oh, and one more thing: I understand (based on Wall Street Journal reporting) that Motorola will need roughly $4 billion to keep its handset business afloat for the next two years. Due to years spent at or near the poverty line, I’m very good at being cheap and begging. So there’s that.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–The undisputed most awesome news from last week had to be that Sony Pictures Home Entertainment was working with Dialogue Communications to power a mobile campaign in Australia tied to the July 9 launch of the “Rambo” DVD. This from Dialogue: “Dialogue created the mobile Internet site using its new Mobile Site Builder tool. At the same time, a mobile campaign response back was devised to drive traffic to the site, to promote the film further and engage fans.” We are not trying to judge “Rambo” fans, but we question the desire to “engage” these people in anything.
–So, Apple’s 3G iPhone is set to launch this week. And not a moment too soon for many Apple-geeks. Long lines are expected to form and don’t be surprised that the extreme fanatics begin lining up in front of their local Apple or AT&T Mobility location in the days leading up to the July 11 launch. Make sure to check back to our Web site all day Friday for the latest video and photos of grown men and women hysterical over an electronic device. Should be priceless. Then we can play a game of which handset maker is most jealous.
–One more thing on the iPhone front. AT&T Mobility released pricing info for the device. Depending on the voice plan selected, overall pricing runs roughly $15 higher per month compared with the pricing plans for the original device. Now, if you take into account that AT&T Mobility is forking over roughly $200 per device in subsidies and that the change to its revenue share with Apple gives AT&T Mobility all of the revenues generated by the 3G iPhone, AT&T Mobility should be seeing some long-term gains on its bottom line (side note: “long-term gains on its bottom line” is funny). Our rough calculations (and remember we are journalists here) peg AT&T Mobility as pocketing an additional $20 per month per subscriber. That should offset the subsidy in around 10 months, leaving the remaining 14 months on a two-year contract as around $280 in additional data gravy. Pretty sweet deal.
–Speaking of sweet deals, Virgin Mobile USA seems to have gotten one in paying $39 million for Helio. Tally it up: handsets valued at $17 million, a customer technology platform valued at $25 million, and $25 million each in commitments from Virgin Group and SK Telekom. And a discount from Sprint Nextel Corp.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.