Worst of the Week: The cable industry’s plan to take over wireless

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So the president of cable company Cox earlier this week gave a speech about the company’s plans for wireless. Cox’s Patrick Esser said the company wants to offer its content and services over both wireline and wireless connections, and made the bold claim that Cox will capture 20% of the wireless market at some point in the future.
Interesting, huh?
Anyway, I mention this because I was fortunate enough to get a copy of the rough draft of Esser’s speech. The rough draft differs significantly with the speech Esser actually gave, and I think it’s quite interesting to note the disparities.
And how did I get this rough draft, you ask? It’s a funny story that involves Chuck Norris, but I don’t have time to go into it here. Suffice it to say: I’m a member of the fourth estate, which means I routinely get copies of important documents but still can’t afford to get a proper haircut.
Anyway, here’s a copy of the rough draft of the speech Cox’s Patrick Esser initially planned to give earlier this week:
“Ladies and gentlemen. My fellow executives. Distinguished members of the press. (Wait for laughter to fade.) The state of our industry is strong! And we will prevail in Iraq!
(Wait for laugher to fade.)
“Today I’m going to discuss Cox’s plans for wireless.
(Wait for laugher to fade.)
“No, really, we actually do have a plan for wireless. And that plan is to make money. The details of the plan have yet to be finalized. In fact, truth be told, there are no details as of yet. The whole plan consists of using wireless to make money.
“And besides, figuring out the details is below my pay grade. I’m paid to lead, not read.
“But the point is that Cox, along with the rest of the cable and satellite industry, will definitely make money on wireless. In fact, we’ll probably put most of the industry’s wireless carriers out of business. How, you ask? Well, again, I’m not so sure about the details, but whatever. It’ll happen.
“After all, cable rules!
(Do one-handed push-up)
“And nevermind about our previous efforts in wireless. Nevermind all that AWS spectrum we bought in 2006, or that 700 MHz spectrum we bought earlier this year. Nevermind it’s not nationwide, and it will cost billions to build out. Never fear, we’re going to use it on . something. Yes, something cool.
“And nevermind about Pivot, that joint venture with Sprint Nextel. We were just trying to psyche everyone out with that service. Psyche! Psyche! Double Psyche! See? We never intended to make any money from that.
“But starting today, we’re going to make money from wireless. We’re going to offer content and services over both wireline and wireless connections, and we’ll capture 20% of the wireless market . at some point in the future.
“Just you wait. We’re going to be big.
“Peace out.
(Put on jet pack. Fly out hole in roof.)
So there you have it, Mr. Esser’s original speech. Pretty crazy, huh? Yes, crazy indeed. Sigh.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–I’m going to cheat this week and reprint a comment that was submitted in relation to the column I wrote last week. I’m going to do this for two reasons: 1, Because it doesn’t take much effort to copy and paste, and 2, Because it’s pretty funny. So here you go, a comment submitted by “Idontlikeyou@all”: “Your articles are complete garbage. My only true question for you is who hired you’re a– to write these meaningless waste of times? Ive blown around 5-10 mins of my life reading through a couple or your bios ridiculous articles, and to be honest I want it back. Quit your job, and throw some news papers around. Im sure people would appreciate that more.Over.”
–Verizon Wireless and T-Mobile USA both now offer parents the ability to tightly control their children’s cellphone use. I’m hoping that, when my son turns into a teenager in the next decade, wireless will have advanced to the point that I am automatically alerted when he starts talking about anything illegal or worrying. Come on wireless, you’ve got 12 years to get this working. Let’s get a move on.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com. Or, if you prefer, leave a comment in the space below.