Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
One of my favorite television shows of the ’90s was Mystery Science Theater 3000, also known as MST3K. The basics of the show were that a man and his two robot friends were being forced to watch terrible B-movies and they would make running commentary. (Not familiar with the show? Just search the Web for MST3K and be prepared to have your gut bust.) It was a very simple premise that was simplified further by MTV’s Beavis and Butthead that took the same running commentary to music videos. I will now simplify it to its furthest extent by taking a look at a press release we picked up this week from CellASAP Inc. (This is in no way an endorsement of condemnation of CellASAP, but the release was just too good to pass up.)
For this format, I will be joined by my robot friends Pen-bot, Keyboard-bot and Joe. Pen-bot and keyboard-bot are a pair of friends I made using left over stationary and electronic equipment, and Joe is just a guy I know.
(From the release): Dallas, Nov. 12 – Bob Christiansen, now in his 70s, takes up texting.
Dan: Wow, what a touching intro. I feel the need to read more.
Pen-bot: What the hell is this? An intro for a Viagra commercial?
Dan: Now Pen-bot, let’s keep this above the board.
Keyboard-bot: Beep boop.
Joe: Why can’t I be a robot? I would have more to say than “beep boop.”
(Release cont.): Christiansen, founder of the American Classified national newspaper chain, was part of the first group to fly over the North Pole in a hot air balloon in 1998.
Dan: Wow, that sounds like an amazing feat and this sounds like a man I would really like to learn more about.
Pen-bot: Seriously?!? This guy sounds like he lives in black-and-white. Newspapers? Hot air balloons? The North Pole? Didn’t all of these things die off in the 19th century?
Keyboard-bot: Beep boop.
Joe: Seriously Dan, why couldn’t you use some of those “special parts” to make me into a robot instead of this lame keyboard.
(Release cont.): “Who says texting is for kids?” Bob finds adventure in sports and business. His company, American Classifieds L.L.C., has recently partnered with CellASAP Inc. to be the first national newspaper chain to offer mobile text marketing to its advertisers and readers.
Dan: This man reminds me of all the time I spend working with the elderly to teach them how to use computers and the Internet. I want to hug this man.
Pen-bot: Give me a break! The only time you even get near someone older than the age of 50 is to make yourself feel younger. You are pathetic and this press release is an embarrassment to young and old, human and quasi-stationary/electronic beings alike.
Keyboard-bot: Beep boop.
Joe: I swear, if you say beep boop one more time I am going to spill my coffee all over your keys. D-Mack, you have got to get rid of this keyboard piece of crap, it’s starting to really freak me out.
(Release cont.): Industry-wide declining print-advertising sales combined with exponential increases in national mobile text usage led to this decision. America Classifieds strongly believes mobile text marketing will be a large part of the future of the advertising business. The overwhelming success of the American Classified franchises, owned by Steve Root, prompted a nationwide distribution of the mobile text marketing service throughout the country.
Dan: Oh, so Bob Christiansen does not own the American Classified business, he was just the founder. I bet he is enjoying his retirement with all that hot-air balloon flying and visiting Santa.
Pen-bot: Are you retarded?!? What the hell did the whole intro about some old-man flying hot-air balloons over the ocean that is now the North Pole have to do with any of this crap?!? This scheme is starting to make my existence as a highly implausible pen-robot hybrid seem realistic.
Keyboard-bot: Beep boop.
Joe: D-Dog, where the hell is the off switch for this damn keyboard!?! If you don’t tell me I am going to the Geek Squad about the office supply-robot experimentations. This stuff can’t be legal.
(Release cont.): In an effort to bring a younger audience to its aging 37-year-old classified franchise, American Classified will be running biweekly articles from five-time mixed-martial arts world champion Pat Miletich. Mixed martial arts is the fastest-growing sport in the world and has had more viewers than the World Series.
Dan: There is a company thinking outside the box. Good for you American Classified.
Pen-bot: What the deuce!?! Is this even the same press release!?! What the hell does cage fighting have to do with classified ads other than most of these “athletes” use the classifieds to find a primer-colored door for their ’72 El Camino that they never end up painting. And, while I am not a fan of baseball, more of a BattleBots pen-robot mutant myself, this claim of mixed martial-arts having more viewers than the World Series sounds like a load of crap! Maybe in parts of Southeast Asia or Alabama, but not in the real world.
Keyboard-bot: Beep boop.
Joe: Really? Is that all you can say? Beep boop? D-Diggidy spent all that time and effort as well as taking apart his Atari 2600 to make you into a robot friend and all you can do is say beep boop? You disgust me.
(Release cont.): Pat Miletich is president and co-founder of CellASAP Inc. Pat Miletich has trained over 85 pay-per-view fighters and now offers his advice to would-be fighters and fans alike in his biweekly column, to begin running in American Classifieds starting the first week of October. This will coincide with Miletich’s fight with Thomas Denny, which will be airing December 11 on HDNET.
Dan: Wow, what a renaissance man. This guy not only can kick your ass, but he is also a writer, entrepreneur and philanthropist. Pat Miletich is my new hero. You know I will be signing up for that PPV fight.
Pen-bot: That’s it! I’m outta here. This is the biggest piece of crap I have ever been forced to read and your asinine comments are too much for this pen-robot cross-breed to handle. You are on your own pal. Good luck with this keyboard that has the vocabulary of R2-D2 and Joe who seems to not only be confused about his sexuality, but also about his desire to remain human.
Keyboard-bot: Beep boop.
Joe: I didn’t mean what I said earlier my little keyboard friend. And don’t listen to Pen-bot, he is just jealous of all those awesome keys you have. You are something special. D-Shizzle would not have created you if you were not meant to be something special. When this is all over we should spend some time together and really get to know each other. I bet you have all kinds of fascinating stories and I know I have a lot I want to tell you.
(Release cont.): If you would like more information about this topic, or to schedule an interview with Pat Miletich or Bob Christiansen, please contact (name/contact not provided to protect the innocent).
Dan: All I want now is their addresses so I can send along invitations to my holiday parties.
Pen-bot: (no response)
Keyboard-bot: Beep boop.
Joe: Keyboard-bot, you had me at beep.
OK! Enough of that.
And now for some extras:
–Shame on Qualcomm for mentioning the term “cloud” in a recent press release regarding its new Kayak reference design. Unless this cloud has anything to do with the weather, the term should be banned from all speech. I really blame Apple for this as the company has used the term extensively in reference to the servers used to allow its cult-like followers to synch information between their iPhones and personal computers. The technology uses computer servers and the Internet, not visible ma
sses of water droplets, to work its “magic.” In fact, instead of calling it a cloud, all tech companies referring to such a system should call it magic.
–The holidays have been saved! Glu Mobile unveiled the follow up to its 2007 mobile game based on the movie “Transformers.” The new title, “Transformers G1: Awakening” is a little clumsy, but the fact that the gameplay is based on the original 1980s cartoon series is uber-awesome. In the new game players use the Autobot’s strength to defeat the Decepticons. Who is not excited about the possibilities?
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@crain.com. Or, if you prefer, leave a comment in the space below.
