Worst of the Week: iCantwait

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am literally buzzing in anticipation of Jan. 27 at 11 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. Why? That’s when his turtleneck-ness Steve Jobs is scheduled to strut onto the stage at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts Theater in San Francisco and unveil the latest gadget to justify my reason for existing.
Perhaps you have heard that Apple is going to announce its latest iSomething that will revolutionize whatever it’s supposed to do in an instant and make anything currently available that does the same thing obsolete and the focus of public ridicule.
A quick read through these “stories” shows a large amount of predictions on what Apple’s new gadget will be/do/dominate/enslave, that I think are super-awesome, but some may claim are pointless and in the same vein as someone poking and prodding at Christmas presents trying to figure out what’s inside before the big day. They may point out that all of that furious shaking or peeling back of a piece of the wrapping paper may provide a hint or two as to the package’s contents, but it may also provide only a snippet of information that could be misconstrued and thus provide a false view of what’s inside. The end result can be a dramatic let down when the true contents of the present that was selected with care by either a family member or close friend does not meet the overblown expectations stirred up in your mind using only pieces of evidence.
Me? I say hogwash. People that wait until Christmas day to open Christmas presents are lazy and not worthy of presents. What better way to let someone know how excited you are to see what they bought for you than to badger them incessantly about said object that shows you in a monetary sense how that person really feels about you.
Now, depending on your source of information – mine is a mix of soothsayers, odds-makers and chicken bones – Apple’s new iReasonforliving will include a number of advanced features ranging from the ability to download books (reading? really?), 3G wireless connectivity (shocking!) and a large touchscreen (hello 2006). A survey from Retrevo also unearthed some interesting features people would want in Apple’s device, though they are all way to basic for a leader like Apple. My expectations are more advanced and I expect the device to include truly useful features that have to this point been overlooked. (Unfortunately, this will not include teleportation, which is still the only true advancement worthy of the sort of hype Apple can generate.)
Here’s a quick list of 5 things that I am hoping for (in no particular order):
1. An airbag. Why have no devices yet been airbag-equipped? Answer: Because Apple has not put one in a device yet. I can just sense that the time is right for an airbag to be embedded in a mobile device and who better than Apple to kick it off. The airbag could also be useful as I am guessing whatever this device is will so enthrall those who use it that they will walk around with their eyes transfixed on the gloriousness of the device and become a mobile hazard. To reduce the risk of millions of people knocking themselves out by ramming into walls, falling off cliffs or being mowed down by cars, Apple will do the right thing and embed at least one airbag into the device.
2. Waterproof. Now, I am not talking about water resistant to like 10 feet like a cheap Casio watch. I am talking about waterproof in that I can take this thing anywhere and it will work. The shower, the bath (oh, how I love me a bath), on a Slip ‘n Slide, when I am running through the sprinklers on a hot day, or in case I take it to bed with me and I end up drooling all over it. My current method of shrink wrapping all of my Apple devices is just not cutting it in the cool department.
3. Ribbed. Who wouldn’t want a little extra tactile feeling when caressing the inanimate replacement for interaction with real people? Also, I hear half of the population is partial to things that are ribbed and who wouldn’t want to appeal to half of the population. I know I would.
4. Animate it. As I previously mentioned, if this inanimate object is meant to replace my interactions with the living world, why not just go ahead and animate it. I know Apple has the technology. Just take a look at how life-like Jobs appears.
5. Price it at $2,000 or more. People always put more value on something if it costs more. So why not price this thing at a level where the price tag alone will give it value? Also, I am getting tired of seeing everyone and their mother walking around with the same iPhone that I have. Sure, I have tried Bedazzling my iPhone, but for some reason the rhinestones keep falling off. By pricing the device at a premium, and by that I mean at a price that would make people have to decide whether they put food on the table for their family or send it all to Apple, the riff-raff are kept out of the equation and only the truly worthy will be sporting Apple’s newest contribution to class warfare. Me, I will be selling everything I own in order to put a down payment on the thing, as well as the attached data package from whatever carrier is “lucky” enough to get the rights to burden its network with the new device.
Am I asking too much here? I don’t think so. And it’s Apple we are talking about. The only company that is capable of producing something that is truly life enhancing and thus makes life that much tastier.
OK, enough of that. Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:
–Now that we are more than one-tenth of the way into the 21st Century I think it’s high time we take a stand on two subjects that from this point forward should be abolished.
1. Big trade shows: Seriously, do we really need these super trade shows where 100,000 people are clamoring over each other to look at the latest advancements in whatever the hell these companies are advancing? Does anyone really enjoy such activities? Just like how the government forced AT&T to break up when it got too big, I feel events such as the Consumer Electronics Show and Mobile World Congress should be forced to split into 52 smaller events that can be hosted in different cities across the world every week.
2. Wireline anything: Seriously seriously, why are companies still investing in anything wireline? Beyond backhauling traffic that is beamed over a wireless network, all wireline-based services should be considered obsolete and banned from future investments.
–I don’t like to play favorites when it comes to wireless companies as I detest them all equally as if they were my own children, but those little scamps over at Boost Mobile have yet again wiggled a bit closer to the part of my body where a heart should be. The latest move is the announcement that they are bringing back the crew from the 1985 Chicago Bears to re-enact the Super Bowl Shuffle during this year’s Super Bowl. Finally, a reason to watch the Super Bowl besides the game and the 439 other commercials.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@ardenmediaco.com.