Worst of the Week: If Google bought Leap, the soap opera

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
So it’s been a week of rumors of wireless tieups: first there was a lot of talk of Leap Wireless and MetroPCS getting together – again – and now it sounds like T-Mobile USA is looking for a partner or some way to increase its relevence.
The Leap-Metro dance is starting to remind me of a soap opera—and who doesn’t love a soap opera?
Episode one features Leap and Metro: The drama couple who break up but always seem to get back together, so much so that no one else bothers to date either one of them because you just know they’re going to get back together again. Yawn. The only scandalous part of a Leap-Metro merger is that the chairman of Metro is a significant investor in Leap. Isn’t that like first cousins kissing or something else equally gross?
This leads us to episode two, where the writers end the sordid affair that is MetroPCS-Leap and bring in a new partner, like Google. Now we get to see some Melrose Place, Gossip Girl action! This pairing is awesomely fun because it ticks off just about everybody, except the aforementioned kissing cousin. What may have seemed creepy before is now just filthy rich—and filthy rich makes everyone better looking.
In episode three, we get to see “the others” react. First, Verizon would be spurned. Lowell made nice with Eric Schmidt and the two agreed to play nice because they hate the other super-couple Apple and AT&T. But (and I channel Steve Jobs here) “Verizon didn’t get into the search business, Google got into the carrier business.” Plus, if anyone gets to buy Metro and Leap, Verizon would prefer it to be Verizon, but there’s that touchy FCC under Julius Genachowski, so VZW is staying away. Greedy does not look good in public. Google, meanwhile has some explaining to do about why it bought a carrier – because you can bet that wasn’t part of the VZW handshake. Now we find out that the whole Google-VZW “we like Android, they like our network” flirtation had some behind-closed-doors arguments, complete with flashbacks that show the couple throwing phones at each other ala Naomi Campbell.
In episodes four, five and six Apple has to one-up Google like it did with the mobile advertising purchases by buying its own carrier to keep up with the Google-Joneses. Things would start to look up for US Cellular and people suddenly notice how pretty she is. But that isn’t good enough for Apple. Oh no. Mr. Jobs calls US Cellular “lazy” because she’s only a regional carrier. T-Mo is sitting right there batting her eyes at Apple, but she’s been known to make google-y eyes at Google lately so that lessens her in Apple’s eyes. Later, we see Apple taking stock of Sprint Nextel, but Apple can’t get past the fact that she’s kind of loose, letting everyone on her network, so ultimately she’s not good enough for Apple either. Geez, whose left? AT&T? Again, boring. That’s what the audience would expect. So Apple goes for Verizon because spite is what keeps these dramas moving.
In episode seven Verizon has to choose whether to try to make things work with Google or hook up with Apple. While the audience is torn here, VZW makes a surprise move to enter the world of politics, starting with a run for FCC chairman. No one has openly campaigned to be FCC chair before, so the audience has to speculate it’s because Verizon wanted Leap-Metro all along. Then the writers (which are all wireline guys) go on strike — because they can.
OK enough of that!
Here’s my favorite Super Bowl story since the Vikes did not make the playoffs: ADC got two contracts to beef up wireless coverage Miami Stadium this week because the nation’s largest carriers can’t share – at least that’s my take on it.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an email at tford@ardenmediaco.com.