Worst of the Week: Week of the living dead

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
As some of you might be aware, wireless trade association CTIA held its annual “big” show this week in of all places Las Vegas, Nevada. For those that have never been to this jewel in the desert, avoid it at all costs. While constructed and populated by Man, it’s not a place to be visited by Man. There is just too much to do and unless you plan on staying for some time, there is no way to do all of it while still maintaining your health.
While I don’t remember much from this year’s event, I do succinctly recall the number of conversations I had with friends from the wireless industry that revolved around most of them ending their previous night at a time most people in the real world would be getting up. Doing some quick calculations I was able to deduce that many people attending the CTIA event were either some form of robot that did not in fact require much sleep, or re-charging time as would benefit a true robot, or they had crossed over and were now zombies. (I think that is how someone becomes a zombie.)
The support for my robot theory also included the fact that despite a clear lack of rest that is required in humans, these people I was talking with were speaking in quite coherent and lucid tones and seemed to have a higher-than-normal intellectual slant to their words that I was finding difficult to relate to. I mean, according to my calculations I had managed to sneak in a meaningful amount of sleep, and yet these “people” that according to their claims and my very basic understanding medicine (i.e., that a band-aid makes everything better) these people should be dead.
This led me to the second logical conclusion, that these “people” were actually zombies. As we all know zombies do not require much sleep, typically between 1 to 3 hours per night and generally only when they can find a comfortable spot inside a mall. Also, zombies have a few physical features that differentiate them from their non-zombie brethren, including dark circles under their eyes and their desire to travel in slow-moving packs. Both of these features were on display by many at this year’s show.
When confronted with these accusations the most common reaction I got back was that they were big fans of all the magicians playing shows in Las Vegas and like the Kiss Nation just wanted to emulate their heroes by wearing make-up, that they were traveling in packs because they just “happened” to be going to the same place, and then something about brains and the location of the nearest mall.
Needless to say, after a few too many nights in Las Vegas I was too incoherent to answer any of those questions or for that matter have a rational discussion with most of the robot/zombie/humans I ran across at the show. And I am pretty sure the trip took a few years off of my life. You have been warned.
OK, enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:
Here are a few observations while attending various events at this year’s CTIA event.
–I appreciate the thoroughness when someone mentioning a Web site to actually try to pronounce the “www dot” part of an address, but is there anything that sounds so ridiculous? I would think that not even Charlton Heston, James Earl Jones or Barry White could make that set of letters/words sound good. I say it be banished. In most cases Web browsers do not even require that part be typed in, so why are we still trying to mumble out that part of a Web address?
–Another thing I noticed at this year’s show was the use by some companies of excessive volume in either events or at their booths in an attempt to I can only guess have their message get to my brain not through the traditional method of through the ear, but of actually penetrating my oddly shaped skull. This could be just showing my age, but I think I speak for most when I say that volume does not make up for a weak message. Just because the amplifier goes to 11 does not mean you need to push it over the cliff.
–I am sure executives are great at many things, like flying on corporate jets and being chauffeured around in cars that cost more than my house, but one venture they should steer clear of is the tricky art of comedy. There is nothing more embarrassing than seeing a captain of industry try out a one-liner that had obviously been practiced many times beforehand only to see it fall flat into a room of crickets. I say they leave the funny business to the professionals, unless that professional in Frank Caliendo or Carrot Top. They should also be stopped.
–In the same comedy vain, I am now fully convinced that Germans are some of the funniest people on the planet. I am not sure if it’s their near-perfect posture, their dry delivery or the way English is spoken with a slight German accent, but every time I hear someone from Germany speak I end up clutching my side in hysterics. I also think this can overrule my previous statement about executives staying away from comedy that will now include an asterisk of: *unless you are German.
–I managed to get some personal time (not that kind) with Sprint Nextel/Clearwire’s WiMAX network while in Las Vegas and have to say that my first taste of this post-3G world was impressive. I am not sure if it was due to less latency in the network or of the greater speeds being provided compared to my previous encounters with traditional 3G networks, but it looks like wireless finally has found a real competitor to wired Internet connections. Now about those pricing models …
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@ardenmediaco.com.