Worst of the Week: Phone comparison – octagon style!

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The holidays came early to my desk this week as by some stroke of genius and luck not one, but two brand new mobile devices landed in my lap. I should probably say in reality that it’s more like 1.5 devices as they are both a version of Samsung’s Galaxy S model, one from AT&T Mobility and one from T-Mobile USA.
What made this even more special was that I received the T-Mobile USA version a day before it was officially released to the public, and the AT&T Mobility version several days before the average riff-raff could get their grimy hands on it. It was sort of like time travel, but in reverse. And I got more than a t-shirt for my troubles.
I have on occasion received mobile devices to review, but have to acknowledge that I am probably not the best person on staff to handle such tasks as I have a very short attention span and also I have a life –or at least I like to think I do. Typically when I receive a device to review I open the box, spend about 10 minutes peeling off all the packing material, throw it on a charger and then spend about 5 minutes turning it on and playing with it before either something shiny distracts me or … hey, what’s that shiny thing over there.
I also find most device reviews of a single model tedious with a lot of references to a “spec sheet,” like how many contact names it can hold or if it can support a 16 gigabyte card or a 32 GB card or what version of the Bluetooth standard it has. (Still waiting for the version that allows my toaster to talk to my coffee maker. They seem so lonely.) But, having a pair of devices in my hand at one time seemed like a great opportunity to conduct a real review with information comparing two devices in the same environment and using criteria that matters in the real world.
For the first test I compared the boxes that both devices came in. The AT&T Mobility device was in a fairly plain orange-and-white AT&T Mobility box that did not leave me with any sense that I had purchased something special. Sure, I did not actually purchase the device, but I still like to feel special.
The T-Mobile USA version had an awesome black box with a screen shot from the movie “Avatar” on the device that I assume was because the device was from the future. The T-Mobile USA box was also slightly bigger, which like most things in America garners you additional cache.
I also favored T-Mobile USA in the naming of the device – Vibrant – that seemed to excite the midi-chlorians in my system more than the name – Captivate – of the AT&T Mobility version. I am guessing that had something to do with having the letter “v” nearer to the front of the word, but will have to get back with a final decision on that after more testing.
After the first round of testing the T-Mobile USA device jumped out to a commanding lead of 2,469 points to 1,221 points. (For a reference chart on how I score my reviews please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the Federal Citizens Information Center, Pueblo, Colo., 81009.
For the next test I decided to open the boxes and see what exactly was inside. After quickly moving aside the “devices” that were so in the way, I found that both contained way too many instructions and far too large user manuals to really approve either device. If I have to read anything in order to make it work that is one step too many in my book. I deducted 980 points from the Captivate and 1,482 points from the Vibrant. (The Vibrant got docked more because I was so excited after looking at the outside of the box that the let down once opened was greater.)
This nearly leveled the point total to a nail-biting 987 points for the Vibrant to 241 points for the Captivate.
Next, I dug a little further into the boxes and found that they both came with the same accessories: a headset, a wall charger and a USB cable. Theoretically that should have resulted in them both receiving the same number of points, but I was starting to feel a little hungry at this point and decided to take this out on the Vibrant by docking it 573 points. That was followed by the inevitable guilt reaction that had me then try to over-compensate by giving the Captivate 172 points. That sort of made me feel better, and left the point total at 414 for the Vibrant 413 points. That was not a pretty round for me emotionally, but I had to move on.
Next, I decided it was time to test out the “performance” of the devices. For this I went with the tried-and-true “Slinky” test in which I pushed both devices off the top step of a staircase to see which one made it to the bottom first.
The Vibrant aced this test easily beating the Vibrant to the bottom of the stairs. I decided to run the test several times to make sure I was not altering the testing protocol, but again and again the Vibrant came out in front, one time even losing its back cover after nailing a coffee table. Impressive.
I was so stunned by the domination of the Vibrant that I decided to dig a little deeper into the results to see why two devices that seem so similar on the outside, perform so differently.
After thorough research, and a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich, I discovered that the “carbon fiber” back cover on the Captivate had a greater drag coefficient on the carpet than did the erotically smooth plastic cover on the back of the Vibrant. This led to the Captivate “catching” on the carpet, while the Vibrant seemed to only get faster when encountering the carpet. This was odd because I always thought that Ferrari’s were built out of carbon fiber and they were fast, while Yugo’s were built out of plastic and thus not made for racing. I chalked that up to learning something new and since I learned something I decided to give each device 9 points. New total: Vibrant 423 points, Captivate 422 points. Nail biting.
Fast?
Too Fast?
For the next test I went with the “How cool would this device make me look” test by running down to the local mall with both devices to see what sort of responses I would get from the person-on-the-street. I was expecting considerable attention and decided that it would be a good idea to both shower and comb my hair before making the trip. Got to look good for those TMZ pictures.
For both devices I used the same test, which I called the “D.B.” test. This entailed me holding the device up to my ear like I was talking on it, including screaming loudly at times to make it seem like I was real important.
I next used it in “data” mode where I pretended to be watching the funniest YouTube video clips of all time and laughing hysterically as I have seen others do. (I probably should say that I had not actually turned on the devices at this point as I did not want their functionality to interfere with my gathering of evidence of how cool the device made me look. This forced me to think of that funny cat-stuck-in-a-tissue-box video that I just can’t get enough of.)
The results for both devices were perplexing as it seemed that no one actually noticed me. No matter how much I yelled or laughed, nothing. Couldn’t these people see how important I was and that I was holding a device that none of them could actually get their hands on!?! LOOK AT ME!!!!
I got so confused by the initial results that I then ran a third test where I held both devices at the same time to my ear (yes, two devices to the same ear) and began reciting Ezekiel 25:17 using the high-pitch whiny voice I get when I don’t get what I want.
This did indeed garner attention, but only from the mall cop who had obviously realized I was holding such precious devices and jealously told me to leave the mall. He of course should have been more concerned with that kid on the escalator.
After looking at this test’s data points I decided to award 1,432,078 points to the Vibrant and 32 pounds of frogs to the Captivate. This sort of screwed up my original scoring plan, but after updating the scores the Vibrant had 1,432,216 points, while the Captivate had 422 points and 32 pounds of frogs. Man, this comparison was coming down to the wire.
For the final test, one I purposely waited to conduct last as I was unsure of the consequences, I placed both devices inside of a steel cage. Well, actually it was an old hamster cage, but made of steel nonetheless. After shutting the door and engaging the latch, I sat back with a bowl of popcorn and watched. (I should probably admit that at this point I actually turned on the devices for the first time.)
At first I thought I noticed the Vibrant giving the Captivate the “stink eye” as if to say: “Hey punk, I know we are related, but only one of us is leaving this cage alive.” I soon realized that there in fact was no such conversation and that maybe I had put a bit too much “butter flavoring” on my popcorn.
After a few minutes of little to no action, I started to get a little restless like the fans I see on most of those Ultimate Fighting pay-per-view specials I purchase and started throwing popcorn into the cage hoping that would stir something up. Nothing. Next, I tossed in a few ounces of my 64-ounce Double Gulp hoping a little sticky water would set off tempers. Again nothing.
In a last-dash attempt to get some action stirred up before my wife came home and asked questions I was in no position to answer, I through a couple of popcorn seeds into the cage hoping to re-create some of the popcorn popping videos I have seen on YouTube.
Still nothing. What the hell!
Obviously this test was a bust and forced me to conclude that in fact neither device was suitable for public consumption and that Samsung should immediately institute a total recall on all of its Galaxy S devices until this glaring design flaw is fixed.
So, there. Looking back on this test it’s obvious I should attempt further “comparisons” in the future and look forward to device makers sending more toys to play with.
OK, enough of that. Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:
–So, Apple has scheduled a press conference today that is expected to touch on issues with the current iPhone 4. This is the same device that this week those pencil-pushers over at Consumer Union said they could not recommend to their users due to an issue with the device’s antenna. I have no idea how Consumer Union conducted its tests on the iPhone 4, but from what I know about its audience I am guessing it involved a Subaru, Birkenstocks and a compost heap. And while I did not read the details of its “duct tape” fix, my guess is that using some tape from the “tape ball” in the kitchen drawer is most effective.
–There is no question that Verizon Wireless’ launch of the Droid X was a success this week, even before anyone releases any sales numbers. How do I know? Well, Verizon Wireless was kind enough to release video of people standing in line for the device. And as we all have become keenly aware of in modern society, if people are waiting in line for something, it’s successful. (Unless of course, they are standing in line at the DMV. That line really never ends in success.)