Worst of the Week: I'm drained

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
Man! Cell phones are awesome! I mean, just take a look at what the latest cell phones can do. Make a phone call: check. Surf the Internet: check. Take a high-quality photo and send it anywhere in the world: check. Record high-definition video: check. Watch live television, recorded television, or movies: check. Play (legally obtained) music: check. Warm up a bagel: check.
All pretty impressive capabilities for a device that costs a few hundred bucks and fits in the pockets of my tightest jeans. (Isn’t that the new style with the kids these days? Tight jeans?)
Anyways, taking a look at all these awesome capabilities and then taking a look through my own personal electronics collection has me itching to downsize. Do I really need this separate digital camera, separate video camera, separate e-book reader, separate music player and this damn toaster? Heck, do I really need this television, home phone or even a personal computer? I have all of that in this one device that I always have on me and value more than just about anything else under my roof. (Sorry PS3.)
Like I said, cell phones are awesome and should be considered the pinnacle of all high-technology development that us as humans have been working towards since our inception. Case closed. Job well done.
So, why haven’t I pulled the trigger yet on my house-cleaning yard sale and started up an inappropriate relationship with my cell phone? Well, there is just one issue that is keeping these devices from world domination and running away with my heart.
Every time I try to use any of this awesome functionality the battery meter on my cell phone drops faster than … (insert your own comparison here that equates to the fastest falling thing you can think of. Though don’t go overboard. Keep it in the realm of possibility. So no “… faster than a unicorn tied to a rock thrown from a skyscraper” or “ … faster than a leprechaun trapped in a barrel going over Niagra Falls.”)
And, because of the power-sucking nature of this functionality, what is supposed to be a “mobile” device becomes a “where the hell is the nearest electrical outlet!” device. (Heck, I have seen near fights break out at airports as people scramble to jam their phone chargers into electrical outlets.) Or a “I would love to take a high-definition video of you, but I only have so much juice left in this baby and I am not sure you are worth that juice at this point in our relationship.”
And for this issue I say there is plenty of blame to go around. (Though surprisingly very little of it directed towards me.) Device makers, always intent on making the sexiest of sexy devices, are cramming so many hardware features into today’s devices that there is precious little room left for that one thing that powers all of that hardware. Despite the fact that smart phones are quickly outgrowing my tight pockets, the batteries powering these devices are getting smaller and smaller. Sure, new technology allows battery makers to provide the same amount of power into smaller packages, but I think we can all agree that might not be a good thing.
And speaking of the battery makers, they also must share some of the blame. All the latest lithium-whatever technology seemed up to snuff to power yesterday’s devices. But, for today’s and tomorrow’s power-hungry monsters, we need more. Where are all those fuel cells that were to run on positive energy and emit nothing but rainbows? Or those nuclear powered energy generators that we were promised in all those Flash Gordon comic books? Come on guys. Let’s get those battery engineers (bengineers?) cracking on the next breakthrough. Can’t we steal some technology from all those hybrid calls causing traffic jams across the country?
And while I am blaming people, I guess there is also some to pass around to consumers. Sure, having 10,000 applications on your phone is a good way to impress your friends, but all of those apps have a sinister side. Sucking the power out of your battery even when you think they have been put to bed. For shame.
The only real innocent victim of all of this battery nonsense, besides myself, is the poor feature-packed smart phone. It’s really just doing the job it was designed for in providing just about every technological innovation inside its sleek plastic housing. And for some reason, those building it did not think enough ahead to give it the power needed to fully utilize those features.
So, come on wireless industry. Let’s solve this whole battery life issue and let these wonderful mobile devices truly run free. Though if you can somehow make those batteries quickly die when inside of an airport that would still be okay. I’d hate to give up witnessing those outlet free-for-alls.
OK, enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:
–Recent rumors have those wonder-bots over at Facebook contemplating some sort of further push into the mobile space. I say this is yet another step on the way to the end of humanity. “Why for?” you may ask. Well, besides your horrible grammar skills, the combination of mobile phones, which have become so all consuming that most people no longer have time to actually talk to a real person standing right in front of them, and Facebook, which has rendered all “real” friendships as a 20th Century curiosity, well that can only lead to bad things for humans as a species.
–Today marks the official start of the fourth quarter and thus the clock begins ticking louder for those companies that have all year promised to unleash some special project by the end of the year. That’s right, we are looking at you Clearwire with your promise of having 120 million pops covered with your WiMAX network. And you Verizon Wireless promising to have 100 million pops covered with your LTE network. Tick tock! Tick tock!
–As I was preparing for next week’s CTIA trade show, I got a kick out of the number of e-mails I received that still include a fax number as part of the contact information. Heck, I still have a fax number on my business cards and to the best of my recollection have not received a fax transmission since … ever. Though just for kicks I will occasionally call a fax number on purpose just to hear that high-pitched note of a fax machine trying to talk back to me.
–And finally, Verizon Wireless is now offering the R2-D2 version of Motorola Inc.’s Droid device. For those interested, make sure you get in line early for this limited edition model. And make sure to wear a costume.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@ardenmedia.com.