Worst of the Week: Throwing my hat in the ring with the Macho Man

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So, running a multibillion-dollar wireless carrier is not as easy as it looks. Or so would be the advice from one Gary Forsee, who this week “stepped down” from his position as top dog at Sprint Nextel in order to, I would assume, spend some of the paychecks he accumulated while chipping away at the value of the industry’s No. 3 operator.
Now, with my questionable college degree-journalism-from a questionable school-the University of Colorado-I’m probably the last person who should be giving anyone advice on running a company. But, if even the most decorated business minds can score big paydays by running a company in the high-growth wireless segment as poorly as some have, then I feel that not only do I have the resume, but the right to throw my hat in the ring of possible Forsee successors.
Sure, my selection as CEO of Sprint Nextel might be seen as an unorthodox move, but to this point orthodox has not worked out so well for Sprint Nextel-so why not try some unorthodoxy?
And what will I do when I am selected CEO of Sprint Nextel? Besides use all of my powers to destroy one Dano, Mike? Let me give you just a taste of what I pledge to do in the first 24 hours:
First I will change the name of the company from the phonetically awkward Sprint Nextel, which seems like the name of two separate companies thrown together to make employees happy, to Cingular. Crazy you say? Indeed. But hear me out. Cingular is already a well-recognized brand name and, if my facts are straight, no one is currently using the name. And if AT&T raises a stink, I propose using the Ramcell name as a fallback. RAMCELL!!!
To help hype the new brand, I would hire the “Macho Man” Randy Savage to be my company spokesman. Crazy you say? Indeed. But, you have to admit, if the Macho Man can get us to eat Slim Jim food products-don’t you dare call it beef jerky-then you know he can get people to sign up for my new Cingular (or Ramcell) service. Also, imagine the fun at trade shows if Verizon Wireless brought out its “Can you hear me know” guy and I unleashed the full fury of the Macho Man on his spindly, eyeglass-wearing body. Pain will rain from the rafters.
Finally, I will launch a new prepaid effort targeting the high-growth opportunities in the prepaid market that Sprint Nextel has ignored in favor of its MVNO partners. I will dub the service “No Pay PrePay,” and though I’m not sure how fiscally responsible it will be, it will sure have a catchy name that will attract attention. And as Paris Hilton has shown, attention is never a bad thing. Don’t ask for details of the service yet, I’m still working on them. But, with such a winning name, you know a good plan will follow.
And remember folks, this is just in the first 24 hours. Imagine what damage I could cause over several years.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–This must have slid under the radar, but AT&T last month announced that Fredericks of Hollywood had awarded the company its networking and voice services business covering 135 locations. (Not familiar with Fredericks of Hollywood? Just think of a Victoria Secret’s store, but with apparel featuring more Velcro and rubber. Don’t ask how I know.) The three-year deal calls for AT&T to implement an “Internet Protocol Virtual Private Network service using Multiprotocol Label Switching technology” to connect the retail locations. AT&T said the improvements would allow Fredericks of Hollywood to “control inventory more efficiently and better serve its clients through quicker transaction-processing time.” And if you have any idea of the people shopping at Fredericks of Hollywood, they know that time is money.
–In the “aw, shucks,” department, Rural Cellular Corp. put out a press release noting that its shareholders approved its pending “merger” with Verizon Wireless. Not sure how others view the word “merger,” but we see it as two companies entering an agreement that will produce a single entity with equal billing. Have not talked with Verizon Wireless execs about this, but we doubt they see the deal as a merger of equals.
–An Atlanta man claims his iPod Nano caught fire . wait for it . in his pants. The news reports notes that the fire lasted for 15 seconds and reached as high as his chest. The man was apparently saved further “damage” due to glossy paper he also had in his pocket. Obvious question: Why would someone be walking around with an iPod and glossy paper in his pocket?
–More fun with pizza. Domino’s Pizza launched a mobile ordering service that allows customers to place an order using a Web-enabled cellphone. Descriptions of how to use the service make it appear to be a pretty straightforward operation, though there was no word if a customer could enter a “find me” into the delivery address and thus make the delivery person have to chase them around town yelling “I want my two dollars!”