Worst of the Week: When you wish upon an MVNO

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So it looks like Disney Mobile is the latest MVNO to go under. Seems Cruela DeVil got the last laugh. Yup, Peter Pan sure didn’t escape Captain Hook this time, no sir. But really, now Pinocchio will never, ever be a real boy.
Shed a tear for Mickey, Goofy and the rest of those lovable toons who no longer have a cellular home.
Although the whole MVNO flame-out thing has been interesting to watch, I can’t help but feel sad for all the other crazy MVNOs that will never be. I’m sure that anyone who was considering an MVNO is now rethinking his position based on the failures of Amp’d Mobile, Mobile ESPN and now Disney Mobile.
This is very unfortunately, because personally I was very excited to see what other wild and wacky MVNOs were going to spring up like so many strange, fascinating mushrooms. Here’s a list of some of the ones I was hoping for:
–The In-N-Out MVNO
This would’ve been a great MVNO, mainly because In-N-Out is like the greatest restaurant ever. One word: Milkshakes. MMMM Milkshakes.
With the In-N-Out MVNO, you would have gotten a free French fry for every minute you talked on your phone, and the built-in GPS service would have told you exactly how far from an In-N-Out restaurant you were.
You would have also gotten a free In-N-Out hat to wear, which included a built-in Bluetooth headset.
–The Star Wars MVNO
This would have been an awesome MVNO, but only if it were based on the first three movies (anyone who has seen the second three knows why). With this MVNO, the only ringtone your phone would have had was Chewie’s growl, and your phone would have been shaped like a light saber. And, of course, you would have paid for your bill with Galactic Credits.
The service also would have come with a free Jar Jar punching bag.
–The IRS MVNO
This MVNO would have made you fill out a 30-page application form for service, and you would’ve had to wait six to eight weeks for approval. However, you could have gotten service discounts with a hybrid car.
Granted, this MVNO would only appeal to the small segment of the U.S. population who enjoys math and filling out endless, soul-crushing questionnaires, but that’s the whole point of a niche service, right?
–The Ford MVNO
This would have been an extremely inexpensive service, but would only work about half the time. The other half of the time it would have been in the shop, bro. And the cruise control would always, always be broken, no matter what you did.
On the plus side, the Ford MVNO would have been built Ford tough. So there you go.
–The RCR MVNO
This MVNO would have provided you with a steady stream of industry headlines and news analysis. However, you would have been forced to read this column every week, so you would’ve probably given it some serious thought before you signed up.
Anyway, that’s just a taste of the madcap times that would have been. But there’s still a chance: All of you venture capitalists out there, please don’t drop all your MVNO investments just because of a few (OK, a bunch) of failures in the market. Just think: You could be the one to fund the SpongeBob SquarePants MVNO! And anyway, let’s face it, mobile social networking (which seems to be getting a ton of VC interest right now) is just silly.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Huawei and China Mobile announced they’ll install a GSM base station at 20,000 feet on Mount Everest. I’m sure everyone else is thinking the same thing I am: Finally! I mean, geez, if there’s one place I know I definitely need coverage (aside from public restrooms and movie theaters) it’s Mount Everest. I just hope China Mobile recommends against dialing while in the “death zone.” You should never, ever dial inside the “death zone.”
–Fox Mobile Entertainment and Capcom announced they’ll make a mobile game version of the TV show “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” I have no desire to play this game because I already know the answer.
–eAgency Systems, which sells child-protection software that allows parents to monitor their child’s cellphone use, announced it released a new version of its product designed for Windows Mobile phones. My question is: What child is using a Windows Mobile phone? Aren’t those things complicated and expensive? And breakable? If your child is using a Windows Mobile phone, you might consider making them watch “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” to dumb them down a little.
–Verizon Wireless recently put out a press release titled “Verizon Wireless is Having a COW at Fenway.” The release explains that the carrier is deploying a portable base station (a “Cell on Wheels” in industry parlance) at the baseball park to handle the increased traffic of the post-season. Let’s just take a minute to appreciate the wittiness of those hepcats over at Verizon Wireless: “Verizon Wireless is Having a COW at Fenway.” ZING!
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.