Worst of the Week: National iPhone Appreciation Day (June 29)

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I thought today I would write about Sprint Nextel’s new branding campaign. Or perhaps the ongoing Qualcomm-ITC issue. Or maybe even the ailing universal service fund. Yes, all of those would be excellent topics to write about.
Unfortunately, the ONLY thing that is happening in the wireless industry is the iPhone. The iPhone to wireless is like the Beatles to teenage girls in the ’60s, or free food to me today. It is simply the single most important thing in the world. Forget Hamas taking over Gaza, forget the Bush administration getting subpoenaed over wiretapping, forget Paris Hilton getting out of jail (well, maybe not that last one, that is pretty important)-the iPhone is being released tomorrow and the world will never be the same.
So, in the spirit of Paris Hilton and other important things, today I will be suggesting fun things to do on National iPhone Appreciation Day (June 29). If you have some extra time tomorrow, here are a few excellent activities to engage in:
–Get your nerd bat. Head to the nearest Apple or AT&T store. Videotape yourself wailing on nerds who are waiting in line to buy the iPhone. Post the video on YouTube. Now bask in the irony of nerds excitedly accessing YouTube through their iPhone to watch themselves getting wailed on.
–Find Chuck Norris. Watch him wail on nerds waiting in line to buy the iPhone. Laugh.
–Go to one of the thousands of empty Sprint stores and ask if they have the iPhone. When they say no, ask them why Sprint is bleeding Nextel customers. Then ask them why Sprint is building a WiMAX network. Then ask them why Gary Forsee still has a job. When they ask you to please leave the store, brandish your nerd bat.
–Go to a Verizon Wireless store and ask if they have an iPhone. When they start jabbering about BroadbandAccess and EV-DO and Vcast Music, ask them why Google Maps for Mobile and Opera Mini-two of the world’s most useful cellphone applications-don’t work on Verizon Wireless phones. Then whip out your bullhorn and scream, “Can you hear me now??!!” Then take off before the cops get there, bro.
–Construct a fake iPhone using cardboard and an old Texas Instruments graphing calculator. Visit a nerd-filled iPhone waiting line and stomp on it.
–Go to an Apple store wearing a pair of jeans and a black, turtleneck sweater. When the employees mistake you for Steve Jobs and bring you an enormous, gold-encrusted throne carried on the backs of scantily clad man-slaves, scream obscenities at them in Latin. Revel in their terrified rapture.
–And finally, buy and iPhone and give it to me.
There you go. Have fun during National iPhone Appreciation Day (June 29). If you’re anything like me, you’re polishing your nerd bat with gleeful anticipation.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–A company called Ingenio teamed with Harris Interactive to conduct an online poll to find out “the celebrities with which mobile phone users most want to gab.” According to the findings, Oprah Winfrey was the big winner, as 19% of respondents said the daytime talk show host was the “celebrity they would most like to receive a phone call from on their cellphone.” Granted, I come across plenty of announcements that are just not interesting in my position here at RCR Wireless News, but this release from Ingenio takes the cake as perhaps the most ridiculous, pointless, nonsensical bit of tripe that’s come my way in a long time. I mean, seriously, give me a break.
–Crown Castle put out a press release titled “Crown Castle Announces Secondary Common Stock Offering by Selling Stockholders.” My only question is: How much do stockholders sell for, and where would you sell them? Isn’t that illegal in most countries?
–Sprint Nextel is engaged in a new advertising campaign that includes a special ad for the Kansas City market that says, “Coverage like sauce on ribs. Sprint ahead.” I don’t know much about marketing, but I’m pretty sure that comparing wireless coverage to rib sauce is not a great idea.
–Research firm Berg Insight predicted that more than 5 million computers will be connected to “Turbo 3G” networks in Europe by the end of this year. I don’t know what “Turbo 3G” networks are, but they sound awesome. Update: Johan Fagerberg from Berg Insight informs me that Turbo 3G “is a popular term here in Europe for 3G networks using HSDPA, HSUPA (HSPA) and other enhancement technologies. It is thus 3G networks with faster than the basic speed to put it in a simple way.” So there you go.
–Along Mobile Technologies announced it will develop a series of “Hello Kitty” mobile games. I’m hoping the first in this series is “Hello Kitty: Nuclear Winter.” Or perhaps “Hello Kitty fights hoards of blood-crazed zombies.” Although I worry that the “Hello Kitty” brand is getting diluted with too many zombie-related products.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.