Worst of the Week: Schizoringtonia

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I just don’t understand the whole ringtone industry. I probably should, I’ve been covering the topic since cellphones had black-and-white screens and monotone ringtones, so you’d think I would have picked up some info about the market somewhere along the way. But, unfortunately, I’m simply not that smart. Surprised? I didn’t think so.
I mean, I do understand how things work: You go onto a WAP site or regular Web site, click on “buy,” and then download the ringtone. I get that. (Interestingly, the most complicated part of this process is actually setting the file as your ringtone. Many phones today have 10 different locations within the menu system where you can set a ringtone, and it’s often unclear which location is the primary one.) So yes, I get the basic ringtone premise. Sort of.
I also understand the allure ringtones. Why have your phone ring when you get a call, when instead you can have it scream obscenities? I mean, screamed obscenities are funny, after all. (On a personal note: My wife’s phone actually does scream obscenities when I call her. She told me this morning, however, that a ringtone that sounds like a crazy homeless person can be a little embarrassing in certain social situations. Who knew?) I myself enjoy my “Superman Theme Song” ringtone immensely. Having that song as my ringtone makes it slightly less weird that I wear a full Superman costume under my clothes every day.
But what I don’t understand about the ringtone market is why it still exists.
I mean, most cellphones sold today are more advanced than the laptop computers from just a few years ago. And, with a little effort, you can connect most of these cellphones a desktop computer, and trade files between the two. So why would you pay money for a ringtone?
Even more confusing is the fact that there are literally dozens of sites that allow you to download ringtones to your phone for free-no cellphone-computer connection required. In fact, just the other day I was browsing Phonezoo.com, where there seem to be thousands of ringtones available for download, all for free. And the process couldn’t be simpler: Select a ringtone, enter your phone number, and then download it onto your phone. Bingo.
What I also don’t understand is why ringtones are so expensive. For example, why does Sprint Nextel sell the ringtone for Rage Against the Machine’s “Freedom” for $2.50, when it also sells the full song for the same amount? And why, if you pay $2.50 for the entire track, can you not set it as your ringtone?
See what I mean? The ringtone market just doesn’t make sense. (It does, however, make cents. Lots of them. But ringtones don’t make scents . Oh, never mind.)
Another weird thing about the ringtone market is that the music industry does not have a set licensing scheme for vendors that want to sell ringtones to consumers. According to most research firms, the ringtone market made $2,335,566 kazillion last year, so why hasn’t the music industry figured out an easy way for vendors to license ringtones? If I owned something of value (which I don’t) I would figure out a way to make it easily available to large numbers of people. That’s why most of the repo men in the Denver have direct access to my bank account, after all.
So what’s the point? The point is that, since I bought my Rage Against the Machine CD about 10 years ago, I refuse to pay anything more to use music that I already own.
Freedom!
Yeeeaaahhh!
Freedom!
Yea right!
Freedom!
Yeeeaaahhh!
Freedom!
Yea!
Right!
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Gamemaker Gameloft announced a new cellphone game based on the TV show “Lost.” Now, normally I’m skeptical about mobile games based on movies, TV shows and other branded items . but I cannot wait to play the “Lost” game. I wonder if, by playing the game, you can figure out what the black smoke is all about? Or maybe why Desmond can see the future? Man, I hope so.
–Verizon Wireless announced it will launch a mobile TV channel on its Vcast service called JT-TV. What does JT-TV stand for, you ask? Justin Timberlake television. It’s a mobile TV channel from Mr. “Sexyback” himself, Justin Timberlake. I, for one, am giddy. With hate.
–A German company announced at the 3GSM World Congress a new mobile Web “platform” that combines mobile social networking, user-generated content and mobile advertising, all in one “solution.” Is there anything this new “platform” can’t do? It seems to have hit all of the current hot topics in the mobile content industry. The only thing it’s missing, as far as I can tell, is something about Anna Nicole Smith.
–Ericsson announced it demonstrated LTE technology (which I think is 4G, but I’m not sure) running at 144 megabits per second. My comment is: Only 144 Mbps? Geez, Ericsson, let’s get a move on already. 144 Mbps might have been fast in the 1890s, but not today. Better luck next time. I mean, seriously.
–Perfume maker Elizabeth Arden launched an interactive voice response service to promote the new Britney Spears-branded perfume, “Midnight fantasy.” The service essentially allows you to send a pre-recorded message from Britney Spears to any phone number you want. If this isn’t hilarious, I don’t know what is. And yes, you guessed it: I’m right now sending a Britney Spears “Midnight fantasy” phone message to my arch-nemesis Dan Meyer. http://www.midnightfantasybritneyspears.com/
–Fun fact: Bell Mobility sells packages of data services that include combinations of text messaging, Web browsing, video clips and other services. Bell Mobility calls these packages “Fun Bundles.” I simply can’t believe no U.S. carrier has stolen this tagline yet. I’m considering moving to Canada (wherever that might be) just so I can be a “Fun Bundle” subscriber. That way, when people ask what cellphone service I have, I can say, “I have a Fun Bundle!” Fun Bundles are hilarious.
–A mobile content vendor called THECellCity.com put out a press release about how people can send animated mobile wallpapers as presents for Valentine’s Day. “For those of you mustering up the courage to pour your heart out to that special someone, let our animated wallpapers dance your way into their hearts,” reads the company’s press release. Yup, there’s no better way to show your love than with animated mobile wallpaper. I’m sure my wife would prefer one of those to a candlelit dinner any day. Perhaps they have an animated wallpaper for the Mexican Hat Dance? “I dance, I dance, I dance, around the Mexican Hat/I dance, I dance, I dance, and that’s the end of that/Or is it, I guess I’ll keep singing/My cellphone appears to be ringing.”
–Mobile technology company Modelabs Group announced it will build and distribute cellphones and cellphone accessories under the “Hummer” brand, thanks to a deal with Hummer maker General Motors. No, that’s not a typo, they’re going to make Hummer cellphones. Yes. Hummer cellphones. Yes. So let me put this as plain as I can: If you’re at all interested in yakking away on a Hummer-branded cellphone while driving around in a gigantic Hummer. congratulations, you’re officially a Massive Tool.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.