Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So Olli-Pekka Kallasvuo, Nokia’s new CEO, is settling into his new palace high atop Fortress Nokia out in Finland. I’m assuming he’s right now rolling around in a giant pile of money while playing a life-sized game of chess with real people as the pieces (at least, that’s what I’d be doing if I were the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company… and that’s why I’m not the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company.)
But Mr. Kallasvuo, while you’re polishing the dozens of gold-plated statues of yourself and ordering your slaves … I mean, employees, to slaughter a new-born calf as a sacrifice to you, I just want to offer you some helpful advice:
I think you need to have a look at the phones you’re selling.
I know Nokia is big in Europe. I know one in every three phones sold worldwide is a Nokia. I know Nokia has some of the best profit margins in the handset industry. But seriously, dude, have you had a look at some of the “mobile devices” you’re selling to us dirty Americans?
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It’s not that Nokia phones are of poor quality. On the contrary, the first cell phone I ever purchased was one of those 3360 Nokias, and that thing was like the Bradley Fighting Vehicle of cell phones. I used to sit outside my apartment and throw it at passing cars, just for fun.
However, the 3360 is … well … a little hard on the eyes, if you know what I mean. Not only is it built like a Bradley Fighting Vehicle, it sort of looks like one too.
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And, strangely enough, the new Nokia phones of today still retain a little of that Bradley Fighting Vehicle ambiance. Take the new N91, for instance, which Nokia recently began selling in the United States for $600. It’s packed with features, sure, but can you even fit that thing in your pocket? And if you could, would you ever want to pull it out in public? I recently showed that phone to my wife, who crinkled her nose—like she does when I slurp spilled beer out of shag carpet—and said, “no, I’m not using that phone.”
See, Mr. Kallasvuo, you have to know: Us Americans really do judge a book by its cover. We really are only skin deep. We are superficial. Why do you think Paris Hilton is so famous???
In fact, that’s who you need to know, Mr. Kallasvuo: Paris Hilton. Grab a few of those $1 trillion bills I’m sure you’ve had made for yourself (isn’t that what rich people do with their money?) and buy a plane ticket to Hollywood. Walk around until you find Paris Hilton (shouldn’t be too hard, I’m guessing) and ask her what phone she’s using. Then make phones that look like that.
Better yet, hire Paris Hilton to oversee your design team. You can strap her down to a chair and force open her eyes (think “A Clockwork Orange”) and whenever she says “that’s hot” about one of your phone designs, you know you’ll have something that’ll appeal to us Americans. This will also serve the dual purpose of getting rid of Paris Hilton.
So please, Mr. Kallasvuo, take a break from the constant gladiator fights you’re betting on and just have a look at your company’s phones. Do they look like a piece of equipment that a Marine Corps Force Recon sniper would use? If so, this is not good. And Paris is waiting …
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
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Motorola hired David Beckham as the company’s new “global brand ambassador” (step aside, Abhishek Bachchan). This is great news for people who like attractive men. My only problem is, why isn’t Motorola calling Mr. Beckham a “Motostar?” If anyone were famous enough to be a Motostar, it’s Mr. Beckham. After all, he’s Motoadorable.
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Juniper Research says that mobile betting will increase by “more than 1,000%” in the next five years. My question is: Only 1,000%? Why not 1,000,000%? Or 1,000,000,000,000,000%? One-gazillion percent seems much more reasonable to me.
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Action Engine begins all their press releases with the phrase, “shattering the mobile usability barrier.” I will now express how I feel about the phrase “shattering the mobile usability barrier” by pounding my enraged fists on my keyboard, thusly: ,klzxk,xsdk,xdsk,xdsk,xsdk,x,kxsjmnkxkmjxk,xsdk,xsdk,xsdk,kill it.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.
