Worst of the Week: Mobile Device Overload Syndrome

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
I’m not sure there is an official name or a way I can get funding to further develop it, but I believe I now suffer from a condition I call Mobile Device Overload Syndrome. It’s a condition that impacts my neurological system and has to this point been under control thanks to a steady stream of cheap alcohol and Flintstone vitamins. But, over the past month or so the condition has flared into a mind-numbing outbreak that even the addition of equate glucosamine chondroitin and a mild squirrel sedative has not been able to conquer.
I lay some of the blame for this on it being the holiday season and thus the seeming need by every company that produces anything to make extra versions of whatever they produce in an attempt to catch the eye and pocketbook of the American public. (Because there is no other way to get ourselves out of this economic malaise then to spend our way out of it.) More specifically, I blame my condition on wireless carriers that in recent weeks have unloaded a barrage of new devices onto the market without concern for those of us who cannot handle so much choice.
Philosophically when it comes to choice I am in the camp of “the more the better.” However, when it comes to my own personal ability to deal with my philosophical outlook I tend to take the easy way out and do my shopping where I don’t have to choose amongst every item made. This is also again where the cheap alcohol and medications come into play. So, instead of frequenting the larger electronic retailers, I tend to stick to the smaller establishments or better yet look for my electronic equipment out of the back of panel vans.
This sudden dumping of new devices onto the market is an interesting phenomenon for wireless carriers, which for years were harpooned by critics for offering too many choices when it came to service plans to consumers. These often included local, regional and nationwide plans that most needed an opisometer and a Rubik’s Cube to decipher.
A quick and very unscientific (this again is where the cheap alcohol and sedatives come into play) scan of Verizon Wireless’ and AT&T’s Web sites this week showed an unnerving number of devices available to consumers. For instance, Verizon Wireless’ site had over 50 phones to choose from made up of 24 flip models, two slider phones, two candy-bar style phones, four non-smartphones with a QWERTY keyboard, five non-smartphones with a touchscreen interface, eight smartphones running an advanced operating system and eight BlackBerries. This does not include the multitude of colors some of these devices are available in nor does it include a pair of recently announced Android-powered devices, a new BlackBerry and a new Samsung flip phone. The carrier also offers two PC cards, five USB dongles, one mobile hot spot device and three netbooks.
AT&T is as guilty of contributing to my MDOS by offering more than 50 devices, a trio of netbooks and USB dongles, a pair of PC cards and a partridge in a pear tree.
Thankfully most of these carrier’s retail stores do not stock every device that the carrier offers online, but any walk through the enhanced mobile device section of a big-box retailer is enough to get my brain tingling and my hand reaching for medical relief.
Now, maybe customers want this much selection, but from seeing the sorts of devices most customers use I think we can cut down this mountain of mobile choices to a dozen or less. The solution is for carriers to cut out the fat. Here is my suggestion for what devices carrier’s need to offer as well as the Crayola colors they should be offered in:
–Two candy bar-style, non-smartphones packing a standard keypad. This is to consist of one entry-level model without a camera, but with ruggedized construction, access to the carrier’s standard data network for basic Web surfing and priced at free after rebates. Colors can include Outer Space, Pink Sherbert and Royal Purple. The other will include a 2-megapixel camera, access to a 3G network, GPS navigation and priced at $50 after rebates. Colors should be Sunset Orange, Tickle Me Pink and Unmellow Yellow.
–Two flip, non-smartphones packing a standard keypad. One entry-level model with a 2-megapixel camera, ruggedized construction, access to the carrier’s standard data network for basic Web surfing and picture messaging and priced at $30 after rebates. Colors can include Fern, Blush and Cornflower. The other should be a feature-packed model that includes a 3-megapixel camera, access to the carrier’s high-speed data network, GPS navigation capabilities and priced at $50 after rebates. Colors can include Beaver, Mahogany and Banana Mania.
–No slider phones. Slider phones with a standard keypad are stupid and should not be offered. I know everyone has been thinking it, but I have gone out and said it.
–One touchscreen, non-smartphone with a slide-out QWERTY keyboard. This device is to have a 3-inch screen, a 3-megapixel camera, 3G network capabilities, GPS navigation and priced at $100 after rebates. Colors to include Granny Smith Apple, Vivid Violet and Smokey Topaz.
–One touchscreen smartphone with a slide-out QWERTY keyboard and running the Android operating system. This device is to have a 3.5-inch screen, a 5-megapixel camera, 3G and Wi-Fi capabilities, GPS navigation and be priced at $150 after rebates. Colors to include Piggy Pink, Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown and Manatee.
–One non-touchscreen smartphone with a QWERTY keyboard below a 3-inch screen running the BlackBerry operating system. This device is to have a 5-megapixel camera and a no-camera option, 3G and Wi-Fi, GPS navigation and be priced at $150. Colors to include Asparagus, Macaroni and Cheese and Mauvelous.
–One USB dongle that supports the carrier’s 3G and 4G networks as well as Wi-Fi, and priced at $100. Colors to include Inch Worm and Mango Tango.
–No netbooks! Carriers that are subsidizing these devices are just going to generate unhappy customers that should instead be convinced to by the USB dongle option.
–One mobile hot spot device that supports backhaul through the carrier’s 3G and 4G networks, and priced at $200. Colors to include Wild Blue Yonder and Raw Umber.
–One “wild card” device that can be used by the carrier to “differentiate” itself from the competition. All colors are on the table, though I would require that one of those colors be Atomic Tangerine.
That’s it. No other devices should be offered and the handset providers can fight over who will supply which device.
This solution cuts the number of devices down from way-too-many to a dozen or less. If a new device is launched in one of these categories, the legacy model must be taken out behind the barn and shot.
Carriers implementing this plan and thus reaping the huge financial rewards can simply thank me by either skywriting a Haiku extolling my awesomeness over every major city or by contributing to a fund to help pay for my much needed stint in rehab.
OK, enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:
–Nice to see that Verizon Wireless has co-opted the Droid brand for all of its Android-based devices. I can’t believe someone else did not think of this. Of all the bad names for devices (Smooth? Pre? Magnet?)Droid is pure marketing gold. Now only if they could get those devices to fetch me a beer or vacuum the carpet. Now that would be a true Droid.
–Also good to see that AT&T has decided to participate in a little feud I highlighted recently by filing a lawsuit against nemesis Verizon Wireless. The suit claims that the coverage map used in the “there’s a map for that” advertisement does not fairly represent AT&T’s true data coverage. I could really care less who is right or wrong in this slap fest. All I care is that accusations are flying and that makes for some good entertainment.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@ardenmediaco.com.