Worst of the Week: Femto-marketing 101

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
One awesome benefit of the holidays is the dozens of catalogs I receive in the mail from retailers I had no idea existed or were still in business. (This might be a sign that I need to get out more often.)
I waste untold minutes, hours, days and weeks pouring through these “mini-gifts,” not for anything that I want to actually purchase, but instead just to see the things people have come up with to sell. I mean, who knew there was a need for 37 different fleece jackets, each differentiated by slightly different zipper lengths and millimeter differences in fleece thickness. Whatever happened to just having a jacket?
But, the most lucrative in terms of sheer amazement are catalogs from those specialty electronic retailers that are typically support by retail outlets in malls that are populated by remote-controlled robots and massage chairs that attract weary shoppers like mosquitoes to my pale flesh in the summer.
These catalogs are usually chock full of accessories for every iPod ever made, pets that are either an owner’s “only child” or left at home for months at a time and every conceivable Bluetooth-enabled gadget ever imagined. (All that early talk of my Bluetooth-enabled refrigerator having a conversation about my eating habits with my Bluetooth-enabled toaster and Bluetooth-enabled microwave can finally happen in the real world and not just in my mind.)
So, where am I going with this besides trying to explain my affinity for what most consider junk mail? Well, I think these retailers are perfect outlets for devices and accessories that often get overlooked in traditional wireless stores. How is something as unsexy as a femtocell supposed to compete against the latest turbocharged and bedazzled smartphone under the disco lights of a showroom?
Answer: In the pages of a holiday catalog.
Now, I know it would take some creativity to make a femtocell seem like a must-have item in the pages of a magazine, but these people are professionals. They make a blanket with arm holes in it look like something that I not only can’t live without, but that I need to have it in every color. Professionals I say.
Some soft lighting. A swell smartphone showing full coverage bars. A duck pond in the background. A smiling mom with her “kids” that are no more than 10 years younger than herself. It would be like printing money, only better because it would be money made off of selling femtocells. We could call it “femto-money.” Has a nice ring to it.
And why stop at just femtocells. Why not sell whole base stations and towers in those catalogs. Who wouldn’t want to have the real in-building coverage only a true cell tower mere yards from your house can provide. And if you play your cards right you could work out some sort of revenue-sharing agreement with a carrier or two that will actually let the tower pay for itself.
Sure, the home owners association may raise a stink, but you can be creative with holiday lights and claim its part of some religious festival that only a 200-foot tower can accommodate. You could call it “Tower Man.” Maybe invite a few thousand wannabe hippies looking to reconnect with their inner-child once a year and make a real festival out of it. (Though I would advise against trying to set the tower on fire when the festival is done. Not sure fire is good for cell coverage.)
I’m sure that with such “packaging” femtocells and cell towers could become this season’s Tickle Me Elmo, or at least its Bluetooth-enabled can opener.
OK, enough of that. Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:
–Not sure how I am feeling about AT&T bringing modern-day Renaissance man Luke Wilson in on its little tiff with Verizon Wireless. While I am a sucker to see anything Mr. Wilson is associated with ever since “Bottle Rocket,” I cringe when I see him having to explain that AT&T has wireless coverage in Denver or Tucson or Seattle. Really? Do people not think AT&T has voice coverage in those cities? (Now the depth and breadth of that coverage may be another story not tackled in the television ads.) And the worst part is that while it’s obvious AT&T is trying to fire back at Verizon Wireless claims of superior 3G coverage, AT&T does not actually answer that challenge. Instead, these “counter-ads” just say AT&T has “coverage” in far-off places like Tulsa and Madison.
–Is there anything funnier than when a cellphone starts to ring during a keynote speech or a general session at a wireless industry event? You can just see the person(s) on stage and everyone in the hall/auditorium/room/broom closet become distracted by someone’s “unique” ringer while at the same time trying to ignore the racket. If the person speaking is really annoyed they will usually throw an “I would tell everyone to turn off their ringers, but, hey, this is a wireless industry event and every time a phone rings its ringing up revenues,” or something catchy like that. And for the person who has now let every know that their favorite ringtone is an Abba song as they struggle to locate and choke the sound out of what was their special little friend, well that’s just a special kind of torture. I know a lot of us have so much going on that turning off their ringers when in such events is likely the last thing on our minds. But, come on people, it just takes a second and is one of the most common courtesies we can extend to our “friends” in the industry.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@ardenmediaco.com.