Worst of the Week: The full draft of Obama’s inauguration speech (he mentions wireless!)

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So election night has come and gone, and the biggest and most important race in the country remains undecided. Yes, the Minnesota Senate battle between Norm Coleman and Al Franken (Stuart Smalley) rages on, and all of America (but especially Garrison Keillor) waits with bated breath for the result. Also, some guy name of Obama will be president, but whatever.
(Feel free to insert your own “Lake Wobegon” joke here.)
Yes, there remains much that’s unknown, including President-elect Barack Obama’s plans for the nation in general and wireless specifically. Luckily for you all – both my dear readers and those who accidentally stumbled onto this column and will forever regret it – I managed to get a hold of a draft copy of Obama’s inauguration speech. Below is the full text of what Obama plans to say when he becomes president Jan. 20.
And how did I get this rough draft, you ask? It’s a funny story that involves Chuck Norris, but I don’t have time to go into it here. Suffice it to say: I’m a member of the fourth estate, which means I routinely get copies of important documents but still can’t afford to get a proper haircut.
Anyway, here’s the full draft, for your enjoyment:
“My fellow Americans,
“If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still wonders whether youth and inexperience can trump age and treachery, tonight is your answer.
“It’s the answer told by lines of voters that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, and who eventually got bored and tired because waiting in line kinda sucks and anyway ‘America’s Next Top Model’ was on.
“It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, wireless-only, wireline, BlackBerry and iPhone owners – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
“Speaking of wireless and BlackBerrys, I would like to take this opportunity to outline my plans for the wireless industry in general and iPhone owners specifically. And if you all think that this is neither the time nor the place to go into my policies for specific industries, I would point out that a majority of you voted for me and now you’re stuck with me for the next four years so suck it.
“So anyway, here’s what I will do for the wireless industry as your president:
“First, I will finally, finally devote some attention and money and resources to fixing the public-safety communications nightmare that is so debilitating to our nation’s first responders. Specifically, I will stop auctioning off spectrum to private bidders who will only use it for stupid services like mobile banking, and I will instead give it directly to the public-safety community – with oversight, organization and funding – so that they can build an interoperable network.
“I mean, seriously, why hasn’t that been done yet?
“The second thing I will do as your president is outlaw Windows Mobile phones. Because, seriously, they are terribly complicated, generally ugly and an overall drag to our economy and productivity. I will also force Microsoft to stop making thousands and thousands of tiny icons that do nothing.
“But I insist on having a fair presidency. That means that I will also force Apple CEO Steve jobs to wear something other than jeans and a black turtleneck. Anything, really – a T-shirt, shorts or even just a different color turtleneck. It’s annoying, frankly, and the American people don’t need to be annoyed right now.
“Finally, as your president, I promise to reform the business activities of the nation’s wireless carriers, to make them not so dumb anymore. Specifically, I will redirect the billions they spend on advertising toward actual network buildouts and enhancements, thereby ensuring that they stop talking about reliable networks and instead actually have them.
“I will also require the nation’s wireless carriers to quit selling touchscreen phones, because the growing number of obese, fat-fingered Americans will soon make them obsolete anyway.
“Speaking of touchscreen phones, I want to take this opportunity to answer critics who accuse me of being unable to fund my various, necessary programs. I currently have a plan in place to finance the $700 billion Wall Street bailout, national healthcare, renewable energy and my myriad of other programs, all without affecting our economy. How will I do it, you ask? Two words:
“iPhone tax.
“And if you think I can’t do that, my answer to you is: Yes I can.
“Thank you, and goodnight.
Well there you go, the full text of Obama’s planned inauguration speech. And – for both my dear readers and those who accidentally stumbled onto this column and will forever regret it – I want to point out that I’m employing what is called “satire,” which means that I’m not paid enough to write something intelligible.
OK! Enough of that.
I’m Mike Dano and I approve this column. And now, some extras:
–If you want to spend the rest of the day laughing, please visit this Web site right now: http://gpik.net/. If you are not laughing after you visit this Web site, seek medical help immediately.
–Now, if you thought the above Web site was funny, you need to immediately visit this one: http://www.etretouchy.com/. If you’re not laughing now, check your pulse because you are dead.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com. Or, if you prefer, leave a comment in the space below.