Worst of the Week: This column is not funny

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWirelessNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So, wireless carriers have been going berserk over the past week with outrageous claims of the power and scope of their wireless networks. This has been a common advertising tactic of late highlighted by Verizon Wireless’ one-time-inventive-and-now-just-plain-annoying, “Can You Hear Me Now” guy, and more recently by AT&T Mobility with its “More Bars in More Places” campaign. These initiatives ramped up last week ahead of the launch of the 3G iPhone with AT&T Mobility reiterating the reach of its 3G network.
The claims have included such hyperbole as:
“Nation’s fastest 3G network complements best global coverage and industry-leading portfolio of 3G devices,” from AT&T Mobility;
“3G in more places: Verizon Wireless offers the nation’s largest and most reliable high-speed broadband network,” from your humble friends at Verizon Wireless;
“Sprint to give more customers the benefits of industry-leading push-to-talk, largest voice calling area and Sprint mobile broadband speeds,” from those scrappy people at Sprint Nextel.
Of course none of these claims really tell consumers anything tangible, which is the point of advertising. And as if to prove the meaninglessness of their claims, the carriers all have little disclaimers for their assertions that rival those of drug companies. Good stuff.
I think the carriers could get greater hyperbole-bang-for-their-lack-of-really-saying-anything-buck with bolder and more outlandish claims like:
“Our network is soooo fast that it makes monkeys lose control of their bowels.”
“You can run. Your can hide. But our super-kickass network will find you anywhere!”
“OUR NETWORK IS AWESOME!!! HULK SMASH!!!”
(This last one is geared more towards the geeks that can’t get enough comic-book references in their daily lives, such as one Dano, Mike.)
The best part of these claims is that they would not need any disclaimers because they are so awesome and over the top that people would have to assume they were jokes, and isn’t that all we are looking for nowadays in our advertising, jokes?
Further light was shed on this network issue earlier this week when we received a visit from a company called American Roamer, which puts together coverage maps using data supplied from carriers and other sources. The maps, which use information from earlier this year, showed EV-DO networks offered by a number of carriers (Verizon Wireless, Sprint Nextel and Alltel) cover significant portions of the U.S. map with extensive coverage outside the typical large markets. HSPA coverage, which for the most part is reliant on AT&T Mobility, appears limited to the nation’s top markets with next to no coverage outside the black dots representing the cities. (Click here to download the EV-DO map, and click here to download the HSPA map. Our thanks to American Roamer.)
AT&T Mobility has been adamant about its continued deployment of HSPA with plans to cover 350 markets by the end of the year, but at least for now, it looks like the nation’s No. 1 carrier could use some coverage help. The most likely candidate is T-Mobile USA, which is quietly turning on 3G markets, but since it is using the AWS spectrum it acquired a couple of years ago, there will be little roaming synergies with AT&T Mobility, which is relying on its 850 MHz and 1.9 GHz spectrum for its 3G network.
So, to recap: Carriers’ network claims are not funny and thus require lame disclaimers. My recommendations are funny and thus do not require disclaimers. Network coverage and roaming maps are the balls!
Discuss.
OK! Enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Looks like I owe an apology to our Canadian neighbors. The country’s attempt to auction wireless spectrum analogous to the AWS auction conducted by the FCC in 2005 has surpassed 305 rounds of bidding. By contrast, the U.S. auction was wrapped up in a nice and tidy 161 rounds. Sure, the U.S. auction raised nearly $14 billion while the Canadian auction looks stuck at less than $5 billion, but the Canadian licenses cover like 35,000 people, while the U.S. licenses covered closer to 4 billion. Who knew that the clean air over Canada was worth so much more per person covered than the tap-water air we have here in the states.
–We received news this week of a new compact printer that relies on Bluetooth technology for transmitting data to be printed. Seemed pretty cool, but unfortunately the header on the e-mail claims “Pocket Sized Printer Packs Bluetooth Punch.” While it’s a very action-packed description, we are a little worried about any punches being thrown around our pockets, especially those involving a 10th Century Viking king.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@crain.com.