Tom Wheeler, that fierce wireless lobbyist, has a serious problem. It’s Bud Weiser. It seems wherever Tom goes, whatever wireless issue he’s spinning, there’s Bud Weiser. Tom can’t seem to shake Bud Weiser. It’s not that he hasn’t tried, and it’s not like Tom doesn’t have a strong support group at the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association.
Tom would be the first to say he doesn’t have a Bud Weiser problem, a surefire sign he’s in denial. Let’s hope not. No doubt, the mobile-phone industry would have reason for alarm if the Bud Weiser problem were affecting Tom’s ability to do his job.
Until recently, Tom managed to keep his Bud Weiser problem quiet and out of public light. But now it’s out in the open. The whole thing is hard to comprehend. Tom is a man who has mixed with the mightiest of Washington power brokers and clashed with ruthless corporate titans of lesser salary. He wrote the book on Civil War battle strategy for a high-tech world. But nothing in his Ohio State education or the school of hard knocks prepared Tom for this. Nothing. No wonder Tom considers Bud Weiser a disease.
Tom’s Bud Weiser problem began innocently enough.
First, there was casual conversation a few years back about how cell phones could alert local folks to emergencies such as natural disasters, chemical spills or even domestic terrorism. But one thing led to another, and now Bud Weiser is overflowing into all kinds of wireless policy initiatives Tom is trying to manage. It has taken all the willpower Tom can muster to keep Bud Weiser at bay.
But Bud Weiser, that dogged advocate of wireless emergency alert capability who is known by strangers as Douglas, keeps popping off about this and that. Tom’s not alone. Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack has a Bud Weiser problem, too.
Could Tom’s defenses be weakening? Tom had a relapse last week when he briefly engaged Bud Weiser.
Bud Weiser foments his mischief from St. Louis, home of Auggie Busch. Everyone’s heard of Bud Weiser. Indeed, he’s become a household word in the wireless industry. Bud Weiser, bottled up in the offices of the Cellular Emergency Alert Services Association, insists he can take Tom’s problems away and remove lurking dangers via cell broadcast technology. Bud Weiser’s marketing is tireless and perpetual, with the stated goal of winning Tom over. “Just say no,” wireless comrades advise Wheeler. “This Bud’s definitely not for you.”
Bud Weiser claims the power to take the edge off things that keep Tom awake at night, like location-based E911 compliance and 3G-spectrum access. It’s unclear how long Wheeler can fight off Bud Weiser’s persistent call. Why, it’s enough to drive a man to drinking.
