Worst of the Week: Cellphone radiation and The Incredible Hulk

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So The Alaska Supreme Court (which is comprised of lumberjacks and wolverines) recently ruled in favor of an AT&T equipment installer who allegedly suffered health problems from exposure to higher-than-normal radio-frequency radiation. It was not immediately clear if the “health problems” included the ability to see through walls, turn invisible or fly.
The news is the latest item in the long-running battle between carbon-based lifeforms and RF radiation, including RF radiation from cellphones.
See, it turns out that cellphone service uses radio-frequency waves to transmit people’s conversations, even if those conversations take place in bathrooms, movie theaters and other inappropriate places. Radio-frequency waves can potentially cause problems to carbon-based lifeforms like me and you. Unfortunately, silicon-based lifeforms like my arch-nemesis Dan Meyer are safe.
CTIA, the wireless industry’s benevolent overlord, consistently reminds us cattle that science has yet to prove that RF waves from cellphones are harmful. However, some scientists-and now, apparently, lumberjacks and wolverines in Alaska-believe otherwise, and argue that cellphones are the worst thing to happen to carbon-based lifeforms since that “Can you hear me now?” guy.
It’s important to point out that the issue in Alaska involved radio-frequency radiation levels above those set by the Federal Communications Commission as safe. See, it’s just like The Incredible Hulk: A little gamma radiation is OK, maybe even good, but a lot will turn you into a green, unstoppable engine of rage.
This is the same reason I carry at least three cellphones wherever I go; I’m hoping the radiation will give me superpowers like the ability to fly, see through walls or do basic math.
So what’s the point? The point is that no one really knows for sure if cellphones are safe to use. They’ve only been widely used for 20 years or so, and there is no conclusive evidence one way or the other that cellphone radiation over an extended period of time is safe.
So pat yourself on the back, because you, me and just about everyone else is part of a grand experiment to find out how much RF radiation is safe. The best part? Most of us are paying $60 a month to be a part of this experiment!
Now, before you go rushing off to Dr. Nick to check for cellphone-shaped brain tumors, I’m not saying there’s anything specifically improper with this situation. I mean, the FCC does have RF safety guidelines, and cellphones must be approved by the FCC before they are sold to consumers. And I think it’s clear most people are OK with low levels of radiation-after all, microwaves are a pretty common appliance, at least for those of you rich enough to afford one.
I’m just saying: DDT was widely used for a good 20 years before people discovered it caused cellphone-shaped brain tumors.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–There is an actual company named “Bob Mobile.” According to the company, Bob is a “leading developer and marketer of premium mobile and interactive services.” Unsurprisingly, Bob Mobile is based in Germany. Just goes to show you: Germans are the most hilarious people on the planet.
–Another great company name: WOW! Yes, it’s actually spelled with all capital letters, and does in fact include the exclamation point at the end. A recent press release from the company includes this gem: “WOW!’s customers are the real winners.” It makes me long for the days when companies were named stuff like “Industrial Business Machines” or “General Electric” or “Radio Communications Report.”
–Sprint Nextel launched a new Web site, www.MyCellStyle.com. The site gives you a personality test to help you figure out your “cell style.” For example, music lovers should get the LG “Muziq” music phone. According to the Web site, my “cell style” is “Partly Cloudy With A Chance Of Showers.” I never was very good at tests.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at [email protected].