Worst of the Week: Fun with words

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRWireless.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
“I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.”
–Col. Hans Landa, “Inglorious Basterds.”
So, yesterday I took a long lunch and headed to my local Verizon Wireless store to pick up one of those new-fangled iPhones everyone keeps talking about. As I pulled into the parking lot I was a bit surprised that there was not a huge, inflatable iPhone balloon blowing around out front or at least a picture of the device in the window. Not only that, but there was no mob of people out front with pitchforks and burning effigies of Luke Wilson demanding their right to a Verizon Wireless-enabled iPhone.
Only after going into the store and yelling at the top of my lungs that I wanted an iPhone that works on Verizon Wireless’ network was I informed that such a device does not exist. (I was also told to leave the store and never come back.)
What the deuce!?! Haven’t I been reading for the past months from some reputable news outlets that the iPhone was finally free of the AT&T Mobility shackles and that I could now get this wonder device on Verizon Wireless’ highly-touted network? Where was my satisfaction!?! What about the children?!?
Of course, the proceeding events did not really happen to me, but I would not be surprised if they did happen to someone, somewhere over the past several weeks what with all the talk of Apple finally caving to consumer demand and making one-off CDMA iPhones. (Wow, that made me laugh just typing it. Apple caving to consumer demand? Funny.)
In fact, the number of people that have been asking me when the Verizon Wireless iPhone would be launching has skyrocketed at subsonic speeds. (I can’t give an actual number as I have not kept track, but I was just dying for a place to use the word “subsonic” somewhere in this column. It’s such a cool word and I am not sure I even used it correctly. Subsonic!)
We here at RCR Wireless have tried to avoid playing in the rumor game when it comes to anything Apple. We learned pretty quickly that Apple is not into giving out “nuggets” of information to the press unless it’s on their terms and we were never important enough to be part of that group.
Despite these attempts at steering clear of all Apple rumors, we have on occasion succumbed to the lure of speculation and dipped our toes into the water. Mostly this has been in trying to use such rumors as the source of humor, as we are attempting to do here, but on other occasions we have reported on such innuendo in a more serious manner, but always pointing out that the rumors were just that, rumors.
That’s what makes this latest tale so funny. It seems that every spring since the iPhone launched whispers of the impending expansion of availability in the U.S. beyond AT&T Mobility have sprung. And every time, nothing. Most of these stories have involved the device being launched by Verizon Wireless, whose claim to network superiority is in stark contrast to the waves of Apple users on AT&T Mobility’s network clamoring for better service. Coincidence? Not!
And that is also what makes rumors so much fun. Whether they are sourced from an “insider” or a “person familiar with the situation,” rumors are like gas-soaked sticks of dynamite just waiting to be thrown into the fire from an unnamed face in the crowd. I think many (but not all: see subsonic reference earlier) can discern what is a crazy rumor and one that might have some teeth, but either way, rumors provide us with something to think about if even for just one second, like whether we should step away from that fire that someone has thrown a gas-soaked stick of dynamite into. And that’s pretty sweet.
Now, did you hear about the WiMAX iPhone set to be released? …
OK, enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:
–Speaking of Apple and smartphones, the market for such devices looks set for continued intrigue. This week alone witnessed Research In Motion post what appeared to be solid results, only to have its stock price shived by investors concerned about the Blackberry makers future. Sure, RIM is still the go-to device for the business set and with its recent additions to the Curve line-up is still gaining traction in the entry-level smartphone game, but the company lacks a true halo device that can play with the big boys on features and garner lust from consumers. And it appears that if you can’t wow investors with a shiny object, screw your stock price.
Similar trials and tribulations are also impacting Palm, which despite a product that many I talked with at the recent CTIA event in Las Vegas said was the best on the market, cannot seem to buy itself a break. Literally. Verizon Wireless slashed the price on both the Pre Plus and Pixi Plus to $50 and $30 respectively, and was throwing in a free device for customers willing to sign-up for new service. Both parties are claiming that sales of the device are going well, but it’s hard to believe such a response when they are giving the devices away.
–Speaking of companies that can’t catch a break, Sprint Nextel this week unveiled its new full-refund guarantee program that I have entitled: “Please, please, please, please give us a chance. We have families to feed and are willing to do anything, anything to get you to give us a try. Did we mention we would do anything? How about please? Can we say please one more time?” That’s probably a bit too long to fit in a cool banner hanging in front of a store, but you get the idea.
–For those of you that missed it, this past Thursday was April 1, also known as April Fool’s Day, or as it’s known here at WOTW, April 1.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at dmeyer@ardenmediaco.com.