Worst of the Week: Cellular bill of rights and wrongs

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCRNews.com to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So there’s a major push going on for a wireless consumer bill of rights, which would set federal standards for contracts, early termination fees, billing, disclosure and other mobile-phone industry practices. Naturally, the wireless industry opposes the bill, arguing that it would cause global warming and genetic mutation, among other things.
As you may have already guessed, I’m generally for a wireless consumer bill of rights, mainly because I’m a flaming liberal who simply can’t get enough government oversight! I just love Uncle Sam checking my wireless service bill for inaccuracies; isn’t that what government is all about anyway?
Where’s Ralph Nader when you need him?
Anyway, the situation got me thinking about what I personally would like to see in a wireless consumer bill of rights. See, I do appreciate such pragmatic issues as contracts, early termination fees and billing, but I definitely think more needs to be done.
Here’s my list of the top 10 issues that should be added to the cellphone bill of rights, sponsored by Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) and Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.):
10: Sprint Nextel should be issued federal food stamps or something because, man, that poor carrier is really getting nailed, don’t you think? I mean, ouch. Seriously.
9: That guy at my carrier’s local retail outlet should be fired, with prejudice. He tried to sell me on a new line of service (total value of more than $240 over two years) that included a new phone in order to replace my wife’s faulty phone. (Total value of a new low-end phone is less than $200.) What am I, an idiot?
8: The consumer bill of rights should outlaw “bathroom talkers” (people who talk on their phone in a public restroom) because it impedes on my right to peacefully visit the toilet.
7: Dan Meyer should be made to carry a bright pink cellphone covered in Hello Kitty charms. That would be hilarious.
6: Carriers should be required to send out text message alerts when subscribers reach the upper limits of their total allotted monthly bucket of minutes.
5: All phones should come pre-loaded with Opera Mini. Am I right?
4: The cost of sending and receiving text messages should go back to 10 cents per message. Because, really, how expensive can it get? Text messages can only be a maximum of 160 characters, after all.
3: Two words: Google phone
2: After he retires from public life, we should all be able to listen to Dick Cheney’s phone calls. It’ll be a federal program called “axis of eavesdropping.”
And now, the No. 1 thing that should be added to the cellphone bill of rights:
1: Dave Letterman should provide the voice for all voicemail systems.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–Motorola announced it will sell a “special edition” of its Razr2 phone in time for the holidays. The phone will include “luxurious materials” including 18K gold-plated accents, an engraved diamond-cut pattern on the sideband and a linear etching on the navigation wheel. .Yarg. If anyone out there buys this phone, please come see me so that I may give you an atomic wedgie.
–Samsung announced a Beyonce-branded phone for Sprint Nextel. You read that right. According to the announcement: “Samsung brings multi-Grammy-winning artist Beyonce’s glamour and style to special, limited-edition B’Phone.” Am I the only one who really, really wants to get a George Carlin-branded phone?
–And now, what you’ve all been waiting for, the RCR Wireless News CTIA I.T. Party List:
Monday, Oct. 22
–8:00 pm – 11:00 pm: Verizon Wireless, First Crush, 101 Cyril Magnin Street
–6:00 pm – 9:00 pm: Showstoppers, The Four Seasons, 757 Market St., San Francisco, Between Third and Fourth Streets, two blocks from Moscone
–6:00 pm – 9:00 pm: Moconews Party, Palace Hotel
–6:30 pm – 8:30 pm: Mobile Entertainment Live Bash, Sponsored by Jump Games & Netbiscuits, Ruby Skye, 420 Mason Street
–7:30 pm: Quickplay dinner, Pres a Vi Global Cuisine and Wine Bar, One Letterman Drive
Tuesday, Oct. 23
–2:30 pm: Deloitte Wireless Fast 50 Awards Program, Moscone Convention Center, Moscone Gateway Ballroom
–7:00 pm – 10:00 pm: MobileFocus, at the Metreon
–5:30 pm: WIP and Orange, Supperclub, 657 Harrison St.
–8:00 pm – midnight: SinglePoint and Ontela, The Cellar 685 Sutter Street (by invitation only)
–5:00 pm – 9:00 pm: Trailers From Hell Screening Party, 111 Minna Street @ Corner of 2nd
–6:00 pm – 8:00 pm: WIC General Member Reception, AT&T Park – Field Level, 24 Willie Mays Plaza (by invitation only)
–9 pm: ON, hosted by Def Jef, MSPOT and Nokia MOSH, Ruby Skye (by invitation only)
Wednesday, Oct. 24
–5:00 pm – 7:00 pm: Bluepulse, John Colins, 90 Natoma St (Off 2nd, between Mission & Howard)
–7:00 pm – 10:00 pm: FierceWierless, Mezzanine@ Union Square, 444 Jessie Street
–6:00 pm – 7:30pm: Mobile Entertainment Reception, St. Regis Hotel (ticket required)
–7:00PM – 10:00 pm: Women in Mobile Communications, Roe Restaurant and Lounge, 2nd Floor
651 Howard Street
Thursday, Oct. 24
–8 pm: Opera concert with The Binges and The 88, Rickshaw Stop, 155 Fell Street (cross street: Van Ness) (tickets available at http://rock.opera.com/)
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at mdano@crain.com.