Five must-have cellphones for insanely rich people

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Tired of having the same phone as all the other Russian billionaires’ wives? Well look no further, comrades, because RCR has got you covered. Here are the five phones most likely to make an impression at your next caviar buffet.
1. Goldvish LeMillion – $1,400,000
If you hate having to touch anything but diamonds, the LeMillion is perfect. Conveniently bulky and misshapen, it will force its user to leave it in view of everyone, always. “Oh, this? It’s just my phone, no biggie. Yes, they’re real. No, I was referring to the diamonds.”

2. JSC Ancort Diamond Crypto Smartphone – $1,300,000
Worried about thieves stealing your information but stubbornly insist on storing it in million-dollar mobile phones? JSC Ancort, a Russian firm, has the answer, with its Windows CE-based phone featuring “powerful encryption technology” to “provide secure protection of information against kidnapping, technological blackmail, financial racketeers and corrupted state officials.”
Not quite sure how it prevents kidnapping, but it does have six extremely rare blue diamonds!

3. Amosu Curva – $180,000
With 4,459 brilliantly-cut diamonds totalling 28.42 carats, the Curva is the ideal Blackberry for those who enjoy being mocked when they leave the room.
Amosu claims only three such phones will ever be made, but in case you forget which diamond-studded cell is yours, the company can personalize the battery cover with your probably ludicrous double-barreled name! Our favorite part? The $180,000 price tag does not include shipping, which will run you an extra $85. We might have to pass, now.

4. Vertu Signature Cobra – $310,000
Do you enjoy hanging out in dark places, trying to help your favorite dark lord return to power, and just being generally mean and negative? Then Vertu’s Signature Cobra is perfect for you!
With a large, ruby-studded snake wrapping itself around your phone, no one will question which side you’re on in the epic battle between a young, brave boy with an impossible mission and Ralph Fiennes.

5. Peter Aloisson’s “King’s Button” iPhone – $2,500,000 (not including 20% VAT)
Apple customers are routinely mocked for buying products simply because they are shiny, so this iPhone would probably make their heads explode.
Recognizing that lining a phone with diamonds just didn’t cut it anymore, Austrian designer Peter Aloisson replaced the iPhone’s “home” button with a massive, rare 6.6 carat diamond.
The diamond is so outrageously large that any questions regarding whether the buyer is trying to compensate for something can finally, affirmatively, be put to rest.